Once Again

Important people of the story:

Sean - only my best friend in the entire world who i managed to completly shatter with my own selfish desires.

James - the new guy, the one i want to let into my life, even though i know that i will no doubt end up getting sick of fighting for his affection and thrust him aside, hurting yet another nice guy.

Cory - seans best friend, boy i lost my virginity too, and the reason behind why i now know how bad of a person i really am.

Cheryl- best girl friend, through her, i met sean, inevitably ended up having sean cheat on her with me, and tried to get them broken up so i could be with him, in the end, shes still with me. why? i will never know.




Once again, the thought that I am not good enough creeps its way into my already too full mind. This feeling has acompannied me for most of my life, yet i still have not grown used to it. It makes me sad, to think that i am allowed to like someone, who is so obviously out of my league. When i informed Sean, he told me that James probably feels the same way. I had to laugh out loud to that one. Me? Out of his league? Seriously, there are times i think that kid should be a comedian. James, in all his perfection, totally adorable, keeps to himself, so out of all the drama that seems to envelope me on a diaily basis. Me? out of His league? Good one Sean. Its so weird to me, how often people change their minds, myself included. We spend the better half of the day together, just hanging out, totally normal, watch a movie, hold hands ( all the steps i skipped entirely with cory), he walks me out to my car, kisses me good night, and a simple kiss, not one that is pushing for more, wanting to take things from me i always think im ready to give, just a simple goodnight kiss. Then the next day? nothing. Quiet, no words, no touching, lunch, fun...but distant. Did i do something wrong i ask? am i annoying you? No, i like you, i just don't show emotion very well. Ok, i can understand this....but the next day, not even a glance, and...even more distant, if thats a possibility, and i notice its only with me. I see him in class, laughing and talking to everyone else. But me... It hurts. I don't even know this kid really, and yet it hurts my heart to think that i can be accepted by the people that want in my pants, they pretend to care, they act like they actually care about me, yet the one that doesnt want that, cant show me at least a little bit that he even cares that I'm alive. Is that what is takes to get someone to love me? do i have to sleep with everyone i want to love me, in order to feel like im not just a pointless walking talking girl the same as everyone else? I never realized that all i want in life is love. I mean, i've known plenty of people that are like that, sleep around because there parents dont love them enough ad they want to know someone cares. But me? my mother does love me. and i know that. Even the stepdad that i despise most days loves me, so why do i feel like something is missing? Mostly, i think its because i feel so guilty for shattering seans heart. For crushing all the hopes and dreams he had for us. Sleeping with his best friend, wasn't even mistake number one. Cory was like mistake number twenty, it just cut the deepest. I try to make myself believe that it's not my fault, that i couldn't help how i felt, and i couldn't change the fact that my body, and mind didn't want to be with sean in that way, and it just fit with cory. But thats not true. Sean knows me, or i guess i should say knew me, better then anyone in this world, and he also loved me more then anyone aside from my mother has. He knew things even i didnt know about myself. i love sean, and i always will, but i cannot force myself to be with someone that i am not attracted too. And that is what it comes down too. I was never attracted to sean, sexually anyway. Except when i knew he was taken and that is an entirely different story. I know that, I did a really bad job of portraying this to him, and it became blantantly obvious at times that he was attracted to me in that way, but i wasn't. I wanted to be, and we tried it for a while, never going anywhere near to all the way, but...something wasn't right. I just didnt tell him. Thats why that night with cory...was such a shock and hurt to sean. He thought we were going to end up together, then i dropped him off for work, and Cory was with me, and...one thing led to another, and tada. virgin Lori is no longer a virgin. Yay. the most painful experience of my life, physically and mentally. I didn't even put up a fight. They say your first times mean the most, because your giving away a part of you, but it wasnt like that. i let him take it, it was almost like i didn't want it anymore. Like that part of me was gone anyway, so i might as well give it to him. Of all people, i dont know how i could have let myself give it to him. and then to go on and date him, knowing he was in love with anotehr girl? believe me, i got what i deserved there. How hurt i got from Cory, doesnt even begin to cover up the guilt i feel for hurting Sean. I wish with all my heart i could take that pain awayw from him. The only thing i can do now is be ok with the fect taht he is in love with another girl , and i am no longer a part of his life. It hurts, knowing i don't matter aynmore, or maybe like skyler said, he is jsut trying to forget me, but losing my best friend seems like it should be a fair trade for totally fucking with his emotions. its not though, ill never forgive myself, and i guarantee the guilt of that will drive me to the brink of insanity. if im not already there. And what about James? i have no idea what he thinks of me, or if it would be better if i just left him alone. That seems so sad, because i want someone to be there, and not just anyone. because there are plenty of people lined up ( no conceitedness inteneded i swear on my life) but they are jsut not right. Most want sex, and im not giving anyone that ever again, because that was seriosuly the msot painful i ever had to go through and omg, never again. James isnt in it for that. Then again, im not really sure he's in it at all. I dont even know why i care. i barely know him. God shoot me now andmake this all go away. please?