What happens now?

Its been years. Seriously, years since we last met. I've grown up, I've learned so much and yet nothing at all. I've discovered love and heartbreak and 8 million other things. There is no point in trying to catch you up, way too much ground to cover. So basically I will just spill how I am feeling right now, and everything else may start to make sense. My heart is shattered into thousands of teeny tiny little pieces. I am learning to trust my gut more than anything, learning that God gave me that sense of "knowing" true intentions, what is going on behind the curtain. Its hard not to question myself, wonder if I'm doing the right things. Its hard not to let my desire to make everyone happy get in the way. But in the end, all that matters is that little girl sleeping in the other room. All that matters is that she grows up in a secure, steady environment. All that matters is that I do everything I can to put her best interest first. Nothing like having a baby to put your perspectives in order. There is anger so great burried deep inside, a hurt like nothing I can expressed deep down in my soul. But I know that I have to let go of it, hand it to God like the rest of this insane and crazy situation. I don't and didn't want to believe what people said. "Blood is thick", "he's there son". Today showed me that I was probably wrong, and that breaks my heart. I may never understand how its possible for people to be this way. How is it possible for people to lie, to turn their back on someone they loved, how can they do that? I'm sure I am no different. I probably do things like this to people all the time and don't notice. But it doesn't make the sting any less. I wonder constantly if any of this matters. Why do I beat myself up until Im broken and bleeding over a little mistake, when people all around me are making huge ones with no remorse. Why do I feel an overwhelming need to put everyone else s feelings, perceptions and wants ahead of my own?Its probably best I didn't know, I may have taken her and ran, never looking back. But I want a victory. I want to prove that I can stand on my won two feet. That I can do this without the support system I thought I had. But I am left wondering what is the point? You think you know people. You think you have security and you think everything is going to be okay, and you tell yourself that over and over and over. And when you wake up to find that it isn't, what do you do then? What happens now?

The book of life, or something.

Using the cliche : "Lifes like a book" made me think about how life really is like a book. And in more selfish terms, how I fit in to this "book". Knowing that the one thing i, by default of nature, want out of life is to be important to people, to matter and be needed in a way that connot be filled by anyone else, makes it hard for me to understand people. See, people leave impressions on me, even when they have no idea they are doing it. I've noticed how, i won't be but a paragraph in most everyones books. Maybe in some peoples i will be a chapter or two, but in all reality, the majority of people i know, im like nothing. And thats ok, it really is, i dont need to be everything to everybody. But i do need to be something to somebody. and i dont feel liek i am....at all. I know people say i am, but in all reality, i just wnat someone here. I have gotten so I-dont-give-a-shit-at-all lately its like im becoming an entirley different person. I hurt sometimes. Like now, i want so badly to cry, over the same shit....the same stupid stuff that shouldnt mean anything to me at all ebcause i know how it is, and i knew it from the start, and no matter how hard i try it still effects me. I am one of those girls who looks for the love a boy through sex. I dont knwo why. I am loved, my mother has given em eough love for both parents. And Ray ahs alwyas been here. But its like i am still missing something. And the thing is, is i cant get it from guys. I try and date, because i think i like someone and the feelings leave two weeks later guaranteed. No doubt about it ever they are always gone, and i feel sick adn stupid and it happens every time. The only time it hasnt ahppened is when i hve had sex with tehy guys. Can anyone tell em why that is? How does that make any sense at all? it doesn't. i dont know why it is or how its even possible but its here and it sucks. Maybe I'm just broken. I dnt evne know. But i dont care anymore. Life is happening, all around me things happen, people lie, people suck, and life goes on. I'll be damned if im going to let myself care about anyone anymore. People are not nice. People are not kind, and people dont care about feelings or moralities or anyhitng. People are selfish. I am selfish. And conceited. No joke at all. And it sucks but its how i am. I'm shallow and i know this and i dont know how to change it. Somedays i want someone here, to care about me. Days like this when all i want is someone to want to be with me. You know? i''ve gotten on this new streak fo guys that only want one thing, and i think "oh, they want me" so i give in, and then suddenly i become a "thats all shes good for" type thing and i hurt more. This is hard, typing this out, because i dont want to think of myself liek this. I dont want to be this girl but yet here i am almsot in tears becasue of something i did to myself. I dont knwo how to fix it. wish i did. I really do. I wih i knew what i liked anymore. Books i cant read because the stories seems o fake and melodramatic. I criticize everything. I want things to be perfect, but i know perfect doesnt exist so when thigns try to make it seem that way its like...i hate it. I jsut want everything to go away. I want ot run, as far as i can away from this life. But i knwo i cant. And i ahte that. I wish ym parents would get divorced. I mean, thats jsut a key to how fucked up i am in teh head right? who the hell wans people to get divorced? who wants people to jsut leave them alone? who goes from ebing the most cudly loving person aournd to a complete bitch who cant stand to be touched? how am i changning this much? How is my entire personality being transformed? how is this possible? Can't everything jsut slow the fuck down for one second??

Realizations

My friend Aj made a good point to me. She sent me a text saying " Its amazing how one day you wake up and realize you don't care about someone anymore". And its true. Its amazing. After Cory, i felt like shit. Utter shit. But one day i woke up and realized that thinking about it didn't make me hurt anymore. Not even the tiniest bit. It took time, but i didnt realize it was happening. And i know that will happen now too. Granted it will take alot of time, and alot of pain ( although right now i cry because i know i should, not because my heart hurts too bad) but one day i will look back and realize it doesnt hurt anymore. That doesn't mean i will have healed. This will scar me. My stupid, idiotic, selfish mistake will cause me to second guess every decission i make, and probably never feel good enough again. But it will be ok eventually. I know that. It doesnt make it feel any better now. But i do realize this. And even as i pick the pieces back up and try to glue my heart back together ( totally cliche i know) life is still going on around me. My mom, who has no idea about anything going on with this whatsoever, is dealing with her drunk mother and sister issues that keep wrecking her life as she try's to build herself up. My dad, is still being a crazy ass. My brother is dealing with God knows what in the middle school/highschool world. Life is still happening. Its not going to pause jsut because i made a mistake and let myself get screwed over. So i can;t sit around adn wait for it to fix itself. I need to jsut get up adn move on. But back to teh "woke up and realized she didnt care anymore: thing. How scary is that? o think about people being married, and drifting away from achotehr, only to wake up realize there are no feelings left. I mean, people give up when this ahppens. They give up and move on and get divorced. Isn't love about sticking through this? To me, love is a comitment. Not that feeling people get. Its about being tehre for someone even when things suck. Its about finding a way through the "i dont care anymore" stages and getting back into teh "you are my world" part. You don't give up. I won't say i lvoe you til i know im ready to give that. And i dont want to hear it til someone else is ready. But that doesnt make this hurt less. It should, but it doesnt. How scary is it, that people blindly get married adn divorced liek its nothing? You are supposed to stick through that shit. But no. Once things get tough, everyone gives up, hoping to find something ebtter. It wont get better. Itll happen over and over until tehy realize this, but no one gets it. They think it's all jsut a big joke. And if you think about how, if everyone was honest, and didnt lie about things, and didnt become selfish and inconsiderate, we wouldnt hsve situations like these. People wouldnt get entirely ruined, and have to pick up pieces of themselves all the time. It jsut all seems so unfair. That something like this could happen. That i could let it. Because i did let it. I allowed it to happen, and all it took was trust i shouldnt have had in someone i didnt know. Scary, how something so seemingly insignificant could cause me to feel like this. Its more about how i feel about ymself then anything else. Its not so much what he did to me, its what i let im do. Thats what kills me. Because i always let people walk all over me. and its jsut biting me in the ass. I dont think i deserve better, so i wont get it. its a sick cycle.

i find it...

Amusing, that people always joke about how gulible i am, how naiive and blonde. How i always allow people to walk all over me, even though it bothers me, bcause its jsut what i do. I dont know hwo to be any other way. I find it amusing that this was always something epople joked about, and yet, i allowed it to happen in a serious situation. I believed him, when he told me he want with anyone else. Did i think about the fact that guys lie about shi like that all the time? no. i wanted to believe it was true, so i did Then the truth comes out and its like...."oh...." i Should have known. The signs are all there. They were all along. That crap about ym age, and his reputation was jsut that....crap.
People knew he was with her, and he didnt want her finding out. LOL. He finding out. Cuz me? i mean who cares right? I'm just some naive highschool girl. I'm just a "friend". I'm just that big fat joke that gets to sit here and pretend like nothing i wrong in her life. Like i got to sit there last night, knwoing the guy i was seeing wasin teh next room with his girlfriend. Like i've been sitting here all along oblivious to teh fact that i was being used. That i was being entirely taken advantage of. And why? so he could go play boyfriend with someone else, and have me when he needed change of scenery. Best yet though, is that he hasn't said anything. LOL not one word to me. It's like, "well i guess ill jsut pretend like she doesnt xist and maybe she'lll just drop off the face of teh planet". Maybe i will. Or maybe ill just get the fuck over this and never trust anotehr guy again. Fuck him. Screw me for allwoing ymself to be taken advantage of.

It's like no matter how good things are with me in every other area, if things suck with him, everything sucks. I can get distracted from it super easy, but it always creeps back into my mind. Its scary. It's not normal Its not ok with me. Feeling not good enough, and feeling like i'm just being used and i'm letting it happen kills me. I dont know how to act, or what to say, cuz it all comes out wrong. I made a mistake, and i get to pay for it. Whats sad is, what if i end up paying for it forever. What if i got aids or something? I mean, he's been with so amny women, i doubt he can even count that high. I'm such a fucking idiot.

My eyes feel all salty adn stingy from crying earlier. But i feel like everything is ok. I got inot my American Litertaure II class and things went good. The people in there were really cool today so it made me feel alot better. I realize i can care about other people and not him. And its ok that way. Even safer. It bugs me that i don't matter, but i guess thats a part of life and i need to get used to it. You can't make somone care. and he doesnt need to. If his consious can be clear knowing that then i can mkae mine be that way too. Its usually ok with me. But sometimes after seeing brian and everyone so happy together, it mkaes me want someone thats happy wiht me too. But maybee some day. I just dont know. This is nothing, adn it means nothing adn it kills me but its what i chose, so i get ot live with it. My fault, my consequences.

Ugh...sexual preference anyone?

So i had a rather awkward conversation this morning. Rachelle sent me a message, telling me that good old Skyler informed her that i was bi. and that, Look out World!, she is too. Well I am not openly bi, and the fact that this piece of information is being told does not make me too happy. I don't want to be labeled. I don't want to think about this right now. There will be more to come but as of right now I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable and i don't want to deal with it.