Realizations

My friend Aj made a good point to me. She sent me a text saying " Its amazing how one day you wake up and realize you don't care about someone anymore". And its true. Its amazing. After Cory, i felt like shit. Utter shit. But one day i woke up and realized that thinking about it didn't make me hurt anymore. Not even the tiniest bit. It took time, but i didnt realize it was happening. And i know that will happen now too. Granted it will take alot of time, and alot of pain ( although right now i cry because i know i should, not because my heart hurts too bad) but one day i will look back and realize it doesnt hurt anymore. That doesn't mean i will have healed. This will scar me. My stupid, idiotic, selfish mistake will cause me to second guess every decission i make, and probably never feel good enough again. But it will be ok eventually. I know that. It doesnt make it feel any better now. But i do realize this. And even as i pick the pieces back up and try to glue my heart back together ( totally cliche i know) life is still going on around me. My mom, who has no idea about anything going on with this whatsoever, is dealing with her drunk mother and sister issues that keep wrecking her life as she try's to build herself up. My dad, is still being a crazy ass. My brother is dealing with God knows what in the middle school/highschool world. Life is still happening. Its not going to pause jsut because i made a mistake and let myself get screwed over. So i can;t sit around adn wait for it to fix itself. I need to jsut get up adn move on. But back to teh "woke up and realized she didnt care anymore: thing. How scary is that? o think about people being married, and drifting away from achotehr, only to wake up realize there are no feelings left. I mean, people give up when this ahppens. They give up and move on and get divorced. Isn't love about sticking through this? To me, love is a comitment. Not that feeling people get. Its about being tehre for someone even when things suck. Its about finding a way through the "i dont care anymore" stages and getting back into teh "you are my world" part. You don't give up. I won't say i lvoe you til i know im ready to give that. And i dont want to hear it til someone else is ready. But that doesnt make this hurt less. It should, but it doesnt. How scary is it, that people blindly get married adn divorced liek its nothing? You are supposed to stick through that shit. But no. Once things get tough, everyone gives up, hoping to find something ebtter. It wont get better. Itll happen over and over until tehy realize this, but no one gets it. They think it's all jsut a big joke. And if you think about how, if everyone was honest, and didnt lie about things, and didnt become selfish and inconsiderate, we wouldnt hsve situations like these. People wouldnt get entirely ruined, and have to pick up pieces of themselves all the time. It jsut all seems so unfair. That something like this could happen. That i could let it. Because i did let it. I allowed it to happen, and all it took was trust i shouldnt have had in someone i didnt know. Scary, how something so seemingly insignificant could cause me to feel like this. Its more about how i feel about ymself then anything else. Its not so much what he did to me, its what i let im do. Thats what kills me. Because i always let people walk all over me. and its jsut biting me in the ass. I dont think i deserve better, so i wont get it. its a sick cycle.