I'm sad. Couldn't tell you why if my life depended on it, but that doesnt stop it from hurting. Things are fine. Nothing is going horribly wrong. Nothign is even close to horribly wrong. Things are fine. I'm bored, but who isnt from time to time. I'm broke, but again, thats life. I dont understand this fucking feeling. For the longest time, all i wanted was happiness. But lifes not about being happy. Its about living and getting through things and trying to find shit to smile about. I've got stuff to smile about and still i cant jsut accept that happiness isnt going to hapen soon and move on. My heart is throbbing, my tears are flooding. I dont want to be me anymore. I want to start over, become someone new. I'm sick of me. Everything i stand for. Everything i am and dont want to be. Why am i so unhappy with myself. I am this, and i cant change it so why do i want to? why do i want to be soemone im not? why do i want to be grown up? older? WHy do i want so bad to jsut fast forward? everyone thinks thats insane. That i should enjoy my childhood. But i dont. i hate it. I want to be older. i want responsibility and a life other then this shit!!!! i want to move to the city. To get away from my dad. I want out. I dont want to be seen as some kid anymore.I've always ahted that. Everyone i like to be around is older. EVeryone i care about is older. Everyone i get along with is older. I'm not as immature as those stupid highschool kids. I'm not liek them. I knowo tehre is more to life then the drama they all create for themselves. But tehy dont see it. they think im stupid for thinking that. they enjoy crushing peoples dreams and making people feel like shit about themselves. You know, Megan is very blunt, and she likes to point out that i hve no self esteem. And maybe its true. but i know what i look like and i know i dont like it. Maybe im not hideous, but im not pretty. and its ok. Because i know im smart, i jsut hide it well. I know i could amount to so much more then i feel like i will. But i feel like i dont get the opportunity White trash town, white trash people. Thats so mean but sometimes i jsut hate it! i hate this life here. Why i thought i would enjoy it is beyond me because i cant wait to go back to the city. But i dont want to have to say good bye. I'm so sick of caring about people.
I dont want to care about tehm anymore.
I dont want to care at all.
I cant take anymore.