The book of life, or something.

Using the cliche : "Lifes like a book" made me think about how life really is like a book. And in more selfish terms, how I fit in to this "book". Knowing that the one thing i, by default of nature, want out of life is to be important to people, to matter and be needed in a way that connot be filled by anyone else, makes it hard for me to understand people. See, people leave impressions on me, even when they have no idea they are doing it. I've noticed how, i won't be but a paragraph in most everyones books. Maybe in some peoples i will be a chapter or two, but in all reality, the majority of people i know, im like nothing. And thats ok, it really is, i dont need to be everything to everybody. But i do need to be something to somebody. and i dont feel liek i am....at all. I know people say i am, but in all reality, i just wnat someone here. I have gotten so I-dont-give-a-shit-at-all lately its like im becoming an entirley different person. I hurt sometimes. Like now, i want so badly to cry, over the same shit....the same stupid stuff that shouldnt mean anything to me at all ebcause i know how it is, and i knew it from the start, and no matter how hard i try it still effects me. I am one of those girls who looks for the love a boy through sex. I dont knwo why. I am loved, my mother has given em eough love for both parents. And Ray ahs alwyas been here. But its like i am still missing something. And the thing is, is i cant get it from guys. I try and date, because i think i like someone and the feelings leave two weeks later guaranteed. No doubt about it ever they are always gone, and i feel sick adn stupid and it happens every time. The only time it hasnt ahppened is when i hve had sex with tehy guys. Can anyone tell em why that is? How does that make any sense at all? it doesn't. i dont know why it is or how its even possible but its here and it sucks. Maybe I'm just broken. I dnt evne know. But i dont care anymore. Life is happening, all around me things happen, people lie, people suck, and life goes on. I'll be damned if im going to let myself care about anyone anymore. People are not nice. People are not kind, and people dont care about feelings or moralities or anyhitng. People are selfish. I am selfish. And conceited. No joke at all. And it sucks but its how i am. I'm shallow and i know this and i dont know how to change it. Somedays i want someone here, to care about me. Days like this when all i want is someone to want to be with me. You know? i''ve gotten on this new streak fo guys that only want one thing, and i think "oh, they want me" so i give in, and then suddenly i become a "thats all shes good for" type thing and i hurt more. This is hard, typing this out, because i dont want to think of myself liek this. I dont want to be this girl but yet here i am almsot in tears becasue of something i did to myself. I dont knwo how to fix it. wish i did. I really do. I wih i knew what i liked anymore. Books i cant read because the stories seems o fake and melodramatic. I criticize everything. I want things to be perfect, but i know perfect doesnt exist so when thigns try to make it seem that way its like...i hate it. I jsut want everything to go away. I want ot run, as far as i can away from this life. But i knwo i cant. And i ahte that. I wish ym parents would get divorced. I mean, thats jsut a key to how fucked up i am in teh head right? who the hell wans people to get divorced? who wants people to jsut leave them alone? who goes from ebing the most cudly loving person aournd to a complete bitch who cant stand to be touched? how am i changning this much? How is my entire personality being transformed? how is this possible? Can't everything jsut slow the fuck down for one second??

Realizations

My friend Aj made a good point to me. She sent me a text saying " Its amazing how one day you wake up and realize you don't care about someone anymore". And its true. Its amazing. After Cory, i felt like shit. Utter shit. But one day i woke up and realized that thinking about it didn't make me hurt anymore. Not even the tiniest bit. It took time, but i didnt realize it was happening. And i know that will happen now too. Granted it will take alot of time, and alot of pain ( although right now i cry because i know i should, not because my heart hurts too bad) but one day i will look back and realize it doesnt hurt anymore. That doesn't mean i will have healed. This will scar me. My stupid, idiotic, selfish mistake will cause me to second guess every decission i make, and probably never feel good enough again. But it will be ok eventually. I know that. It doesnt make it feel any better now. But i do realize this. And even as i pick the pieces back up and try to glue my heart back together ( totally cliche i know) life is still going on around me. My mom, who has no idea about anything going on with this whatsoever, is dealing with her drunk mother and sister issues that keep wrecking her life as she try's to build herself up. My dad, is still being a crazy ass. My brother is dealing with God knows what in the middle school/highschool world. Life is still happening. Its not going to pause jsut because i made a mistake and let myself get screwed over. So i can;t sit around adn wait for it to fix itself. I need to jsut get up adn move on. But back to teh "woke up and realized she didnt care anymore: thing. How scary is that? o think about people being married, and drifting away from achotehr, only to wake up realize there are no feelings left. I mean, people give up when this ahppens. They give up and move on and get divorced. Isn't love about sticking through this? To me, love is a comitment. Not that feeling people get. Its about being tehre for someone even when things suck. Its about finding a way through the "i dont care anymore" stages and getting back into teh "you are my world" part. You don't give up. I won't say i lvoe you til i know im ready to give that. And i dont want to hear it til someone else is ready. But that doesnt make this hurt less. It should, but it doesnt. How scary is it, that people blindly get married adn divorced liek its nothing? You are supposed to stick through that shit. But no. Once things get tough, everyone gives up, hoping to find something ebtter. It wont get better. Itll happen over and over until tehy realize this, but no one gets it. They think it's all jsut a big joke. And if you think about how, if everyone was honest, and didnt lie about things, and didnt become selfish and inconsiderate, we wouldnt hsve situations like these. People wouldnt get entirely ruined, and have to pick up pieces of themselves all the time. It jsut all seems so unfair. That something like this could happen. That i could let it. Because i did let it. I allowed it to happen, and all it took was trust i shouldnt have had in someone i didnt know. Scary, how something so seemingly insignificant could cause me to feel like this. Its more about how i feel about ymself then anything else. Its not so much what he did to me, its what i let im do. Thats what kills me. Because i always let people walk all over me. and its jsut biting me in the ass. I dont think i deserve better, so i wont get it. its a sick cycle.

i find it...

Amusing, that people always joke about how gulible i am, how naiive and blonde. How i always allow people to walk all over me, even though it bothers me, bcause its jsut what i do. I dont know hwo to be any other way. I find it amusing that this was always something epople joked about, and yet, i allowed it to happen in a serious situation. I believed him, when he told me he want with anyone else. Did i think about the fact that guys lie about shi like that all the time? no. i wanted to believe it was true, so i did Then the truth comes out and its like...."oh...." i Should have known. The signs are all there. They were all along. That crap about ym age, and his reputation was jsut that....crap.
People knew he was with her, and he didnt want her finding out. LOL. He finding out. Cuz me? i mean who cares right? I'm just some naive highschool girl. I'm just a "friend". I'm just that big fat joke that gets to sit here and pretend like nothing i wrong in her life. Like i got to sit there last night, knwoing the guy i was seeing wasin teh next room with his girlfriend. Like i've been sitting here all along oblivious to teh fact that i was being used. That i was being entirely taken advantage of. And why? so he could go play boyfriend with someone else, and have me when he needed change of scenery. Best yet though, is that he hasn't said anything. LOL not one word to me. It's like, "well i guess ill jsut pretend like she doesnt xist and maybe she'lll just drop off the face of teh planet". Maybe i will. Or maybe ill just get the fuck over this and never trust anotehr guy again. Fuck him. Screw me for allwoing ymself to be taken advantage of.

It's like no matter how good things are with me in every other area, if things suck with him, everything sucks. I can get distracted from it super easy, but it always creeps back into my mind. Its scary. It's not normal Its not ok with me. Feeling not good enough, and feeling like i'm just being used and i'm letting it happen kills me. I dont know how to act, or what to say, cuz it all comes out wrong. I made a mistake, and i get to pay for it. Whats sad is, what if i end up paying for it forever. What if i got aids or something? I mean, he's been with so amny women, i doubt he can even count that high. I'm such a fucking idiot.

My eyes feel all salty adn stingy from crying earlier. But i feel like everything is ok. I got inot my American Litertaure II class and things went good. The people in there were really cool today so it made me feel alot better. I realize i can care about other people and not him. And its ok that way. Even safer. It bugs me that i don't matter, but i guess thats a part of life and i need to get used to it. You can't make somone care. and he doesnt need to. If his consious can be clear knowing that then i can mkae mine be that way too. Its usually ok with me. But sometimes after seeing brian and everyone so happy together, it mkaes me want someone thats happy wiht me too. But maybee some day. I just dont know. This is nothing, adn it means nothing adn it kills me but its what i chose, so i get ot live with it. My fault, my consequences.

Ugh...sexual preference anyone?

So i had a rather awkward conversation this morning. Rachelle sent me a message, telling me that good old Skyler informed her that i was bi. and that, Look out World!, she is too. Well I am not openly bi, and the fact that this piece of information is being told does not make me too happy. I don't want to be labeled. I don't want to think about this right now. There will be more to come but as of right now I'm feeling extremely uncomfortable and i don't want to deal with it.

unbelievable.

i feel like a completly typical teenager adn for some unknown reason this really bothers me. My parents told me this morning how mature i was for my age adn how proud of me they were fr that. Then i come home to iform them that i want to make myself more responsible by getting a job, and they said " only if you give ten percent to the church". so of course i sadi no. Im not giving money to something im not completly behind and your not going to force me to. so tehy said " no job then.". i mean, its my money. My hours being put in adn my effort being put forth therefore i should eb allwoed to say where my money goes. Given that i already planned on putting 30% at the least into savings i figured tat was being smart right? oh no. I have to give to the church or i cant get a job. Well ok, so lets say i agree to this adn take the 90% of the money i would be working for. The 90% that is left over after paying taxes i dont want to deal with. Lets say i do this. Well the second i let them control that aspect, they will start to control everything. They will not let em spend money on anythign tehy dont deem "appropriate". ok. Not going to happen. I am not going to sit by and have them tell me where to put my money. "we're only trying to teach you finacial responsibility" let me learon on ym own!!! im already being responsible about ti adn i dont want or need your help. " well you dont learn to drive after th car crash do you? that is so not the same thing!!!!! So i refused. Of course now they are talking about " while your still a minor youll do what we say." ok. i cant believe they pulle the minor card on me. i cant believe after all that ive done to avoid this situatuion it still happened. I could get emancipated. I could one hundred percent guaranteed have a case that any judge would allow because ray is crazy ( no reallly he is) and i would be out of here so fast its not even funnny. But i dont want to play this game!i dont want to leave and be stupid all becasue im stuborn and dont want to deal with this shit anymore. its so typical high school spoiled kid thinks he ahs such an awful life. i dont wanna be one tree hill. I want to be responsibe and just bite my oungue and accept there stupid rule but if i give in to taht it means giving into everything for a year. Its not that long i guess but sitll . i dont want to keep letting him win. And my mom is sitting by allowing this to ahppen. This night turned out so weird. All i wanted was to come home and show them i was being responisible by wanting to take a job and they threw it back in my face.

I'm sad. Couldn't tell you why if my life depended on it, but that doesnt stop it from hurting. Things are fine. Nothing is going horribly wrong. Nothign is even close to horribly wrong. Things are fine. I'm bored, but who isnt from time to time. I'm broke, but again, thats life. I dont understand this fucking feeling. For the longest time, all i wanted was happiness. But lifes not about being happy. Its about living and getting through things and trying to find shit to smile about. I've got stuff to smile about and still i cant jsut accept that happiness isnt going to hapen soon and move on. My heart is throbbing, my tears are flooding. I dont want to be me anymore. I want to start over, become someone new. I'm sick of me. Everything i stand for. Everything i am and dont want to be. Why am i so unhappy with myself. I am this, and i cant change it so why do i want to? why do i want to be soemone im not? why do i want to be grown up? older? WHy do i want so bad to jsut fast forward? everyone thinks thats insane. That i should enjoy my childhood. But i dont. i hate it. I want to be older. i want responsibility and a life other then this shit!!!! i want to move to the city. To get away from my dad. I want out. I dont want to be seen as some kid anymore.I've always ahted that. Everyone i like to be around is older. EVeryone i care about is older. Everyone i get along with is older. I'm not as immature as those stupid highschool kids. I'm not liek them. I knowo tehre is more to life then the drama they all create for themselves. But tehy dont see it. they think im stupid for thinking that. they enjoy crushing peoples dreams and making people feel like shit about themselves. You know, Megan is very blunt, and she likes to point out that i hve no self esteem. And maybe its true. but i know what i look like and i know i dont like it. Maybe im not hideous, but im not pretty. and its ok. Because i know im smart, i jsut hide it well. I know i could amount to so much more then i feel like i will. But i feel like i dont get the opportunity White trash town, white trash people. Thats so mean but sometimes i jsut hate it! i hate this life here. Why i thought i would enjoy it is beyond me because i cant wait to go back to the city. But i dont want to have to say good bye. I'm so sick of caring about people.
I dont want to care about tehm anymore.
I dont want to care at all.
I cant take anymore.

i hate him

my stepdad is insane.
Hes tearing my family apart and i cant take it.
He doesnt think he has a problem but he does.
I want him to leave.
No one is ahppy.
My mom is miserable.
My borther is too.
I just want them to be ahppy, but i dont knw what to do.
i never have known.
its jsut a stupid cycle of freakouts and suck ups and its never ending and i cant take it anymore.
I ahte them so much sometimes.
my mom for dealing with it and not trying to make herself happy.
My brohter for jsut accpeting his shit adn for putting us into this situation.
My stepdad for being the psychopath he is adn not seeing it.
and me for enver doing anything about ti but crying.
ITs so stupid.