why,

is it that i know things were not how they should be.
i know i was unhappy.
i know things can be so much better then that.
and i still ache for him to be around?
all we ever got together to do was...
well you know.
and i didnt even like it.
i just liked being needed.
the way he looked at me...
im more pathetic then i realized.

why,

why

why am i...

so fucking weak?
where does my backbone go when im around him?
its like...it just leaves.
i have no power...
nothing was resolved, im still left feelig like everything about it is wrong, yet...
still i let things happen.
i am such a goddamn idiot!!!!
where the hell does my brain go?
its not supposed to be like this.
i dont let people have this type of power over me..
its always turns outbad.
he's all i think about somedays.
its naseating.
I dont know what this is, but i hate it.

please

Don't snow today.
snow is for happy times,
now?
its not a happy time.
No Snow

finished...

its almost better this way. I hate the endings to things. thats the problem with getting used to people, you have to miss them when their gone. heres to moving on, and hopefully finding happiness and new begginigs

You ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone? Bits a pieces are given to different people, but if anyone new all of it...things would be entirely messed up for you? You ever feel like crap for hiding it from everyone, people you turst with your life, you simply cant tell? the guilt starts eating you away, and you feel almost relived when you think you've been caught, because at least you wont have ot hide anymore? but you also feel completly sad because it could mean the end to a great thing? This is sucks. just fyi.

it hurts...

no matter how hard i tried to prevent it from happening, my heart still got involved.
its hurts telling him im moving on. Alot. The tears pour down my face, making me feel childish and immature. He means something to me, even if i dont to him. Yet he insists i do...but....i dont know. Why is it that we are together, im blissfully happy, but when hes away, i cannot prevent the doubt from intruding into my already too full mind? GOD!!!! this is so confusin, and heartbreaking. This is so not how i picture the first lasting relationship i had to be. Even thought i guess this isnt a reallya relationship... Why can't i be normal? have a normal boyfriend that actually cares about me, that i have no doubts about his caring...
becasue id get bored.
id deem him to clingy and move on to someone that was more like this...
so why am i complaining?
I'm such a spoiled brat, and this is all my fault.

Wrong

I'm not happy with him. And i'm not really with him. We aren't in a realationship. We're sleeping together. Thats it. There is no love here, no happiness that comes other then from feeling needed for five minutes. There is no future. Simply me, doing something i never thought i would do, in serach of somethin im scared to find. If i found someone better, i'd leave him. Or stop sleeping with him i guess i should say. I deserve better. Or maybe i dont for allowing this to happen, but i feel as if i do. I think i deserve better. I think i deserve someone who would love me, for more then what i give them. Someone who cares about getting to know me, rather then this...whatever it is. I know im not prepeared to just cut him off completly, simply because i dont want to be alone. But im looking for someone better. For someone who will actually care and love me. For someone who wants to spend time with me. I'm done living this lie, living the wrong thing for me. This isnt me. I'm a good kid. I'm caring, not shallow and....i dont even know how to describe how i am being.
How i stop it i do not know, but believe me im trying.
Trust me, im trying.

Undoubtedly doubtable.

:D Minus the little Bug of doubt that keeps trying to find its way into my mind, i am entirely happy right now. Nothing great is really going on, school is annoying as usual, friends are just as drama filled as ever (although gratefully none of it involves me for now), my family life has been pretty quiet lately ( thanks for that!), and Tyler has been pretty much the same as always. I think i do better when i see him more often because all the ambiguity i have about how he feels about me or what he does when I'm not around seems to leave when we are together. And its lasted pretty much all day, only a few moments of panic have made its way into my day and I've done a pretty good job of shoving it away as quick as possible. Its amazing how simple it is for him to make me happy. I can be surrounded by people i like entirely and still I'm unable to keep my happy until i get to spend time with him, even if its just five minutes. There are so many things that are unsteady with this relationship, so many questions i want to ask but wont, for fear of seeming annoying and immature. So many faltering ideas of us, so shaky and uncertain at times, its almost hard to stay happy at all. I wonder why he's with me, when I've seen alot of his exes. Hell, I've known alot of his exes. Being so insecure is definitely kicking my ass with this. I need to buck it up and understand that he's with me because he likes me and it doesn't matter if i look nothing like them. But in all reality i know, and undoubtedly he knows, that there is no way i would find out if he was cheating on me. Trust is something that seems to be something i am having trouble finding with him.. I have no reason to doubt him. No proof that he is one of the worlds many asshole guys, yet still i am so afraid to just let my heart enjoy this and not worry about what he could or could not be doing. Even if he was, i would get over it. It would suck, can't try and convince me otherwise, but i would heal, and the pain would eventually dull entirely.i don't know why I'm so afraid. It all comes down to my own self-doubt. Once again its my fault. I swear one day that will stop happening. I wish i knew how to just put my faith into him and allow myself to enjoy the happiness. But its convincing myself that i am good enough that seems to be the problem. Maybe ill learn. Or mess things up so bad i will be unable to ever fix it. I guess we shall see. I am proud of myself for never thinking about the future with us. I've noticed how, when you think about plans you have with someone and things you want to see happen eventually and all that jazz, things just fall apart that much quicker, but Ive gotten excellent at not thinking about anything involving the future with us. I hold on to the moments that make me Happy, replaying them over and over until new ones are made. I am surprised at how easy it is, it has just become habit. I Love it, because then I'm not expecting anything, so i don't have to worry about being let down. Except that is sort of contradictory given the fact that i am worried about being let down. So maybe I'm not as good as i thought? oh, i don't know. I wish it wasn't this complicated. I adore him. I love how he has these amazing perspectives on things, how he words the things i want to say, just can't. How he knows what he wants so clearly, no doubts about much of anything. How he is driven,because he can see the goodness that is sure to prevail in the end. how he has an amazing mind, full of things i cannot wait to discover. How he is willing to risk so much to be with me. How he knows when I'm upset and need to hear something nice from he. But i also hate some things. I hate how i have to kept hidden, a secret to those around us, only to be indulged in when no one is looking. I hate how he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful or any of the things i just wish he would say. I hate how he doesn't always show he cares, even though he knows its what i want. I hate that he talks to all those stupid bimbos that are so much better then me in every way. I hate how he doesn't try to find out things about me, like i do him. I hate that i don't know if he really would tell people about me if it were legal. I hate how one day he seems so into me, the next slightly irritated that I'm around. And i hate how i feel like he has things he cant tell me, because i want to know it all. I don't know, i guess there are ups an downs to every relationship, but sometimes i cant stand the bad things about this one. The only problem is the second I'm with him, just sitting there talking to him, or listening to him talk, it all goes away. None of things that bothered me before i sat down with him are there, they drift away, leaving only us, and all the things we are. I wonder if i am just making this more complicated. Its entirely too possible given my constant need to make things harder then they actually are. I should really work on that huh?

Amazing

How people can come into your life so unexpectedly, and sosuddenly. They can mean the world to you, and you've only just barley started getting to know each other. They are there for you wen they need you, even though theydont need to be. I'm pretty sure i dont believe in God, but i swear this kid was sent from heaven. He's there when i need them, so interesting to learn about, and he's helping me out of the hole i dug for myself. I dont know how it happened, but i am beyond grateful for him. Thank you Rabbit. Much love.

ok

Freak out over. So what if he is? it happens in life all the time. At least I'm not like married with kids and finding out that he was. I don't know if he has, and until it comes to light that he has, im not going to worry about it. As much as i would hate to find out i allowed myself to be oblivious to it, and abviously unobservant, i would hate more to find out i wasted happy times because i was worried about something that didnt happen.

Doubt...

Creeping its way into the back of mind at every possible moment is the fact that maybe Tyler is cheating on me. Ok, i would never find out even if he was, unless he found somebody better and left me, but i look at his ex girlfriends and even some of his friends now, and i dont compare. Most of them are models, and some of them are Calander girls so of course they ahve these AMAZING bodies that anyone would kill for. And no doubt 90% of them are sluttier then a toliet seat....so it just sucks...i mean, he goes off to denver adn salt lake and goes to clubs and bars and shit...and im sitting here wondering what he is doing.
becuase i want to belive he is honest and faithful to me, but how do i really know?
I HATE THIS!!!
i wish i would know so if he was i could move on adn forget about him and the mistake i am undoubtedly making.
you know?
i like him. Alot. its different with him then with anyone else. But i cant help wondering if im only with him because its always been a fantasy to be wih an older guy. I dont know, maybe not, but....ive never been with a younger guy. Everyone ive ever dated has been at least three years older....i think there is something wrng with me. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when it is i talk myself out of happiness!
OMG!!! kill me please?

Love..

To see people so deep in love, is the worst and best thing in the wworld. Look at Skyler and Rachelle, Sean and Kyra, Alex and Trevor, Brian and Camisha, Zach and Ashley. They represent a love everyone wishes they had, but are not really sure exsists. To see how happy they are together is amazing, thiking that kind of happinesss exisist. However, it seems scary to me. It seems like your giving another person the power to complete shatter you, with just a few short words. Things in life are never constant, never steady. What you want in life now will not be what you want in life years from now. The people you know now wont be in your life then. Its sad, but true. They have this "young love". its beautiful, yet disatrious at the same time. What happens when college comes alone? if there still together, most likely someone will follow someone somewhere. Then what if they break up? you just went somewhere to be iwht the one you love...only to not be with that person and anymore. You'd be left wondering why you chose this place...It seems bad to me. Like your depending on another person so much, that when there gone...your left with nothing. I want a love liek tehres, as sure as anyong else does. But i dont want that now. Graduating will be hard enough. Leaving everyone behind. or ebtter, watching them leave me behind. Its sad already and its months away. to fall in love now would no doubt be a curse. So my thought that everything happens for a reason seems true. I just hope they dont end up crushsed like i think they will. Let me be wrong.

Tyler

Tyler is the simplest yet most complicated part of my life. He is the biggest secret i hold, yet not a secret at all. He is the only source of happiness in my life somedays, and others the only source of pain. H makes me smarter, but crazy. He's confusing yet comprehensionable. He is so many things to me, yet nothing at all. I know it makes no sense. It never will. Its the hardest thing to explain, but something i need to get out. I adore him, but i hate him. He makes me ssmile, and want to cry. He is everything, but nothing at the same time. How can one person be so many things, yet never change? He's the most stabl person i know. Could it be becasue we dont talk social lives to eachother? is it because he's older, so all the drama is simply gone. Do i just know nothing about him? Why is it that its so hard to pin him down? Somedays, i think he's just with me for the sex. ok, i realize i must sound like a total whore, but I'm not. And besides, whore is such a stupid word. People do things that have such comlex motivations, how could anyone just declare somebody that because they spread their legs more then others? it makes no sense. Anyway, back to the " just with me for the sex part". When he's away, thats what it feels like. I mean, we aren't "dating" we are sleeping together. So yeah i guess that should give me a clue, but when we're together? its not like that. The first time, was awful. Not the act, never the act. Just the feeling i was left with after. It was like Cory all over again. I felt used, and hurt. But, he called again. We have a routine. I know what to expect. When we met up during work weeks, it's just quickies, and as long as i rememberd that, it doesn't bother me. When he has his weeks off, and no one is at the apartment, things are different, slower, he cares about me too. We dont only get together to do that though. He calls me when he needs to go to town, and we shop together, just hang out. He is even sweet about it. We dont hold hands, simply for the fact that he's 20, I'm 17. He calls me babe, asks for my oppinion, he's sweet. And even if it is only for the sex, I don't care. I mean, i started this. I thought it would be a one time deal, and he wanted more. The only reason we went from calling it dating, to sleeping together is because of me. It's not him making it only about that. And i don't really believe it is. We can't be official, because its illegal. I can't help but wonder if things would be different if i was 18. I mean, maybe we will still be doing whatever this is by then, you never know. but will it change? or will i get stuck in this half-in half-out relationship, unable to leave, but not always wanting to stay? I like him, no doubt about it. He's sexy, funny, smart, mysterious, and just interesting. He likes me. But its weird. I dont ever think about the future with us. Anytim you start to hope for more, things fall apart. it happens everytime. And i havnt once thought about teh future with us, daydreaming about what could be. i look back on the memories, and smile until new ones are made. Its weird, bcause my heart isnt involved. If i found out he didnt want to see me anymore, it would be ok. It might hurt a little, but this isnt love. I dont want it to be love. Love in highschool is too unsteady, irrational dramatic, and immature. I want real love, when im ready to handle it. and im not now. I want it now, sometimes, but im not reay for it, and i know it. The scary thing is, is that im attached to him. He's my stable, and support. He doesnt know that, or care to know that either, and i dont want him too.I dont want him to know he hs power over me, i dont want anyone to know that. But he is. When everything else falls apart, he's the one thing thats ben teh same for months, and it feels sturdy, like it will last a while. The weeks he's gone, i live my life, put teh peices of the messes i have made back together, and then he gets his time off, and i can fall into place. Its a comfort i cant give up. Sean thinks i have. And he will keep thinking that. The biggest mistake of my life was telling him about teh almost pregnancy. He blew it out of proportion, ruied what was lef tof my trust an inevitably our friendship. Telling people i didnt want to know, telling his g/f things no one was supposed to know but him. he told them. Rumors getspread that way. People talk. Not that i care what people think most of the time, but when everyone thinks im a giant whore because of it...well im not ok with that. He thinks it was right, him telling everyone. He thinks my life was in a "downward spiral". He has no idea. Tyler brings me out of the spiral, lifts me up out of my depression when he;s here, giving me motivation to stay out while he's gone. Sean only see's that bad. That its "perverted" for a twenty year old to want me. seriously, he has no clue. Its nothing like that, and i cant make him see. Not taht i want him too. He needs to know nothing about tyler anmore. he cna go on belveing he's gone from my life, since he didnt know about him forever anyway. But i am not leaving tyler. Your connected when you do stuff with people. Its not my heart, but my mind is fixed on him. It always wants me going back to him. And i dont want otherwise. I LIKE TYLER! He can think its wrong all he wants, but im so happy with him. Its not a normal love and thats what bothers sean. Him and Kyra are attached at the hip, and since me and tyler aren't he not ok with it. But i dont care. I'm making myself happy without him, and i dont need him telling me otehrwise. HMPH>

Someday

i used to believe in someday.
someday, things would be perfect, i would be ok with you, i would love you, like you loved me, we would share our life togehter, no, it wouldnt be perfect, but knwing you were there would make everything ok.
someday, is never going to happy.
all we have is the here and now, and let me tell you, it sucks.
i used to be optimistic.
i used to know deep down, that yeah, things may suck rihgt now, but they will get better, they always do.
somehow, that seems to have changed.
it doesnt get better it gets worse.
and what seems to be the hardest part, is that, i am looking on the birhgt side.
i was being positive, i was SO excited cuz things seemed to be looking up.
and they took it away.
or i guess invertably i did.
yet understanding how i did that seems to be missing.
yes, alex is mad at me.
shes mad at me because she is uncomfortable around me.
like its in my control to change that.
like i can help that.
maybe it is my fault.
maybe i make people uncomfortable.
how, no one seems to know.
but honestly, why is it when one thing falls apart, everything else does too.
why is it that when i find my hope, it gets taken a way in the blink of an eye?
how is that fair?
i cant do right by anyone, and people are so cruel.
i dont understand how anyone can be, let alone this amny people.
everyone, just mean.
whats happening to my life?

leaving

i want to leave.
i cant take it here anymore.
i cant stand the hope i get, because you tell me to, then watch it get shattered in less then three days.
i want happiness.
im being a good person.
im changin the bad, adn its not enough.
you keep hurting me.
over and over.
like its a game.
like my heart is a game.
outside threats are breaking in.
like this hell my life has become doesnt ahve enough for em to worry about.
i want to leave, and mkae it go away.
i would run, but i dont know where to go.
im scared to be on my own, but i cant akte everyone hating em once again.
this always ahppens.
i dont know what i do.
i wish i had enough guts for suicide.
i dont want to be here anymore.
i cant make anyone happy, including myself.
i cant take this.
all i do is cry.
and make mistakes.
i dont know what else i can do but find somewhere to go.
i cant live this way, i cant keep having this ahppen to me.
i dont have anyone anymore, and its so scary.
my biggest fear is being alone, yet thats what keeps happening.
im leaving soon.
where i dont know yet, but im leaving.
i cant be ehre anymore.