Tyler

Tyler is the simplest yet most complicated part of my life. He is the biggest secret i hold, yet not a secret at all. He is the only source of happiness in my life somedays, and others the only source of pain. H makes me smarter, but crazy. He's confusing yet comprehensionable. He is so many things to me, yet nothing at all. I know it makes no sense. It never will. Its the hardest thing to explain, but something i need to get out. I adore him, but i hate him. He makes me ssmile, and want to cry. He is everything, but nothing at the same time. How can one person be so many things, yet never change? He's the most stabl person i know. Could it be becasue we dont talk social lives to eachother? is it because he's older, so all the drama is simply gone. Do i just know nothing about him? Why is it that its so hard to pin him down? Somedays, i think he's just with me for the sex. ok, i realize i must sound like a total whore, but I'm not. And besides, whore is such a stupid word. People do things that have such comlex motivations, how could anyone just declare somebody that because they spread their legs more then others? it makes no sense. Anyway, back to the " just with me for the sex part". When he's away, thats what it feels like. I mean, we aren't "dating" we are sleeping together. So yeah i guess that should give me a clue, but when we're together? its not like that. The first time, was awful. Not the act, never the act. Just the feeling i was left with after. It was like Cory all over again. I felt used, and hurt. But, he called again. We have a routine. I know what to expect. When we met up during work weeks, it's just quickies, and as long as i rememberd that, it doesn't bother me. When he has his weeks off, and no one is at the apartment, things are different, slower, he cares about me too. We dont only get together to do that though. He calls me when he needs to go to town, and we shop together, just hang out. He is even sweet about it. We dont hold hands, simply for the fact that he's 20, I'm 17. He calls me babe, asks for my oppinion, he's sweet. And even if it is only for the sex, I don't care. I mean, i started this. I thought it would be a one time deal, and he wanted more. The only reason we went from calling it dating, to sleeping together is because of me. It's not him making it only about that. And i don't really believe it is. We can't be official, because its illegal. I can't help but wonder if things would be different if i was 18. I mean, maybe we will still be doing whatever this is by then, you never know. but will it change? or will i get stuck in this half-in half-out relationship, unable to leave, but not always wanting to stay? I like him, no doubt about it. He's sexy, funny, smart, mysterious, and just interesting. He likes me. But its weird. I dont ever think about the future with us. Anytim you start to hope for more, things fall apart. it happens everytime. And i havnt once thought about teh future with us, daydreaming about what could be. i look back on the memories, and smile until new ones are made. Its weird, bcause my heart isnt involved. If i found out he didnt want to see me anymore, it would be ok. It might hurt a little, but this isnt love. I dont want it to be love. Love in highschool is too unsteady, irrational dramatic, and immature. I want real love, when im ready to handle it. and im not now. I want it now, sometimes, but im not reay for it, and i know it. The scary thing is, is that im attached to him. He's my stable, and support. He doesnt know that, or care to know that either, and i dont want him too.I dont want him to know he hs power over me, i dont want anyone to know that. But he is. When everything else falls apart, he's the one thing thats ben teh same for months, and it feels sturdy, like it will last a while. The weeks he's gone, i live my life, put teh peices of the messes i have made back together, and then he gets his time off, and i can fall into place. Its a comfort i cant give up. Sean thinks i have. And he will keep thinking that. The biggest mistake of my life was telling him about teh almost pregnancy. He blew it out of proportion, ruied what was lef tof my trust an inevitably our friendship. Telling people i didnt want to know, telling his g/f things no one was supposed to know but him. he told them. Rumors getspread that way. People talk. Not that i care what people think most of the time, but when everyone thinks im a giant whore because of it...well im not ok with that. He thinks it was right, him telling everyone. He thinks my life was in a "downward spiral". He has no idea. Tyler brings me out of the spiral, lifts me up out of my depression when he;s here, giving me motivation to stay out while he's gone. Sean only see's that bad. That its "perverted" for a twenty year old to want me. seriously, he has no clue. Its nothing like that, and i cant make him see. Not taht i want him too. He needs to know nothing about tyler anmore. he cna go on belveing he's gone from my life, since he didnt know about him forever anyway. But i am not leaving tyler. Your connected when you do stuff with people. Its not my heart, but my mind is fixed on him. It always wants me going back to him. And i dont want otherwise. I LIKE TYLER! He can think its wrong all he wants, but im so happy with him. Its not a normal love and thats what bothers sean. Him and Kyra are attached at the hip, and since me and tyler aren't he not ok with it. But i dont care. I'm making myself happy without him, and i dont need him telling me otehrwise. HMPH>