Undoubtedly doubtable.

:D Minus the little Bug of doubt that keeps trying to find its way into my mind, i am entirely happy right now. Nothing great is really going on, school is annoying as usual, friends are just as drama filled as ever (although gratefully none of it involves me for now), my family life has been pretty quiet lately ( thanks for that!), and Tyler has been pretty much the same as always. I think i do better when i see him more often because all the ambiguity i have about how he feels about me or what he does when I'm not around seems to leave when we are together. And its lasted pretty much all day, only a few moments of panic have made its way into my day and I've done a pretty good job of shoving it away as quick as possible. Its amazing how simple it is for him to make me happy. I can be surrounded by people i like entirely and still I'm unable to keep my happy until i get to spend time with him, even if its just five minutes. There are so many things that are unsteady with this relationship, so many questions i want to ask but wont, for fear of seeming annoying and immature. So many faltering ideas of us, so shaky and uncertain at times, its almost hard to stay happy at all. I wonder why he's with me, when I've seen alot of his exes. Hell, I've known alot of his exes. Being so insecure is definitely kicking my ass with this. I need to buck it up and understand that he's with me because he likes me and it doesn't matter if i look nothing like them. But in all reality i know, and undoubtedly he knows, that there is no way i would find out if he was cheating on me. Trust is something that seems to be something i am having trouble finding with him.. I have no reason to doubt him. No proof that he is one of the worlds many asshole guys, yet still i am so afraid to just let my heart enjoy this and not worry about what he could or could not be doing. Even if he was, i would get over it. It would suck, can't try and convince me otherwise, but i would heal, and the pain would eventually dull entirely.i don't know why I'm so afraid. It all comes down to my own self-doubt. Once again its my fault. I swear one day that will stop happening. I wish i knew how to just put my faith into him and allow myself to enjoy the happiness. But its convincing myself that i am good enough that seems to be the problem. Maybe ill learn. Or mess things up so bad i will be unable to ever fix it. I guess we shall see. I am proud of myself for never thinking about the future with us. I've noticed how, when you think about plans you have with someone and things you want to see happen eventually and all that jazz, things just fall apart that much quicker, but Ive gotten excellent at not thinking about anything involving the future with us. I hold on to the moments that make me Happy, replaying them over and over until new ones are made. I am surprised at how easy it is, it has just become habit. I Love it, because then I'm not expecting anything, so i don't have to worry about being let down. Except that is sort of contradictory given the fact that i am worried about being let down. So maybe I'm not as good as i thought? oh, i don't know. I wish it wasn't this complicated. I adore him. I love how he has these amazing perspectives on things, how he words the things i want to say, just can't. How he knows what he wants so clearly, no doubts about much of anything. How he is driven,because he can see the goodness that is sure to prevail in the end. how he has an amazing mind, full of things i cannot wait to discover. How he is willing to risk so much to be with me. How he knows when I'm upset and need to hear something nice from he. But i also hate some things. I hate how i have to kept hidden, a secret to those around us, only to be indulged in when no one is looking. I hate how he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful or any of the things i just wish he would say. I hate how he doesn't always show he cares, even though he knows its what i want. I hate that he talks to all those stupid bimbos that are so much better then me in every way. I hate how he doesn't try to find out things about me, like i do him. I hate that i don't know if he really would tell people about me if it were legal. I hate how one day he seems so into me, the next slightly irritated that I'm around. And i hate how i feel like he has things he cant tell me, because i want to know it all. I don't know, i guess there are ups an downs to every relationship, but sometimes i cant stand the bad things about this one. The only problem is the second I'm with him, just sitting there talking to him, or listening to him talk, it all goes away. None of things that bothered me before i sat down with him are there, they drift away, leaving only us, and all the things we are. I wonder if i am just making this more complicated. Its entirely too possible given my constant need to make things harder then they actually are. I should really work on that huh?