ever

feel like something iis driftig away but you dont know how to pull it back. Like its a piece of wood out to see, you can see it from the shore, but you can't find anything to pull it back with. Thats how i feel. A friend is drifitng and its like im letting them get away because i dont know how to fix it. my mind tells me its easier this way, that i dont need to worry bout it cuz its one less heartbreak ill have to endure in the end. but it still makes me sad. i want to stop it, but at the same time, its easier to jsut let it go. Why am i such a horrible person?

i feel..

funny. Not sick, just like something is bothering me. I dont know why, but i feel like something bad is going to happen again. I hope im crazy, im not ready for anything bad to happen. I dont want anything bad to happen ruight now. things ahve been good, and i would ahte for them to be ruined now. Maybe its just nereves. i sure hope so.

Random thought

Maybe its not different people, or slipt personalities that we have when we are around certain people. Maybe its jsut different versions of ourself. Ok, yes that is almost teh same thing, but maybe we're constantly trying to become better versions of ourselves. Maybe its the motives that amtter more then just who we are being. Because yes, i know when im around certain people i act different then i do around others, but its still me. I'm still the same Lori, im just showing a different side of myself. Its nice to be able to act different then usual, At least for me, since i get bored with things very easily.
I don't unerstadn why things are so confusing all teh time. I just wanna understand more.
I lvoe words btw.
They are fantastic adn wonderful.

I hate...

when the family gets together. I hate alcohol because people turn into complete idiots. I hate being forced to talk nicely and show respect to people who are in a completlyidiotic and stupiud state of mind. Its assinine.

Wow.`

this was a good christmas.
I'm already sore, so im sure tomorow will be hell tahks to my new pink exercise ball!
:D
its awesome!
i'm loving today, hope you are too!!!!

sometimes...

i wish i was as naive as Cheryl. I wish i didn't know things, but yet i wish i knew more. I wish i could love blindly. Be normal and allow myself to care about someone so much, to be so happy about how things are, not how i wish tehy were. Things are good. Great even. But i know they won't last. I know they won't and that knowledge makes it impossible to enjoy the happinesss. I have what i want. I got what i want i am who i want to be im living how i want to live, yet i know something is bound to mess up. I'm too scared of getting attached or hurt to just let myself appreciate the good. I know that things can't stay this way, I know this happiness won't last, and all i can seem to think about is how its going to hurt soon. I can feel the pain coming and i dont want it. I want everything to stay ok for a while, but deep down i knwo tehy wont. Its paralizing.
Its sick, can't walk a day through life without doubt and uncertainty and reality breaking through. Im petrified. See the difference in our outlooks over this whole thing, is that to him, im just anotehr girl. Sure, he likes me, but when its over it wont matter to him cuz there are plenty more out there. And yes, there are plenty more out tehre for me too, but i've never felt this way. Never done this before, To me, he's not jsut another guy. And i know whn its over itll hurt. believe me i know. But i also know ill get over it, because there is so much more to life then this. I just don't like being the only one with something to lose. I don't wanna be vulnerable. i dont wanna be screwed over. I just wanna mean something. So tahts the goal. Make him want you. Its like a game, i dont know how to play. But ill figure it out, starting now.

GRRRR

Skyler is bugging me.
So rachelle thiks shes going into a foster care cuz she doesnt want to live at homoe.
hate to break it t her, they dont jsut let you in cuz your sick o your parents.
shes so dramatic.
the both are.
she gets caught sneaking out, and then gets pissed cuz tehy punish her for it.
skyler and ehr are always together
its obsession, no love.
they are constanly all over eachother and get mad when ehr parent worry that she might get pregannt and try to help her.
why are people so stupid?!?!?!

30!!

wow, i've bitched thirty times on here. I feel bad for those of you (aka rabbit) who had to read this shit. So sorry about that. But here it goes again:

I love Brexton and Carter and i would DIE if something ever happened to them and i hope i will always be able to work wiht tehm ebcaue they are amazing and funny adn adorable and perfect in every way. But im not sure i want kids. I mean, maybe someday, but the thought of popping on out of me is scary enough let alone raising one. Can you imagine? they depend on you for so much adn if you are too lenient or too hard, youd ruin them. its so sad, how many unprepared people take on that job. i certainly dont want to be unprepared. and we should come up with a new way to make babies. sex hppens. its lovely (usually) and i think there should be something like eating snails or something so then only people who REALLY want kids would do it and then wed only have mommies who love there babies and the world would be perfect. of course then crazy people might do it but if guys cant have babies i think we'd be safe. i dunno im in an odd mood. my throat is all hurty adn i feel kucky and damn. but oh well life is good.
much lvoe.

wow

that book was good. I cried alot. Lots of people died, lots of thought provoking questions were brought up. now i feel like i should be greatful for every single thing i have. I'm scared of teh future. I hate not knowing what religion i stand for. Its so hard remembering that , because ive so blindly accepted christianity since thats how i was raised, but now its like i dont understand it and it makes no sesne and i want my own religion adn i just want to live my life adn be a good person and have that be enough. i dont want to go to hell for not understanding. Life seems so freaking confusing sometimes. Megan comes home tomrow. I'm glad in som ways, but others i am so not looking forward ot it. I love her, and we get along great and we have great tiems together but were so different. Its complicated, because i love her and shes amazing but none of my friends like her ebcause she loud and tehy jsut dont get her like i do, adn thats ok, but i dont like her friends and i dont enjoy doing what she does like partying with people i dont knwo and ahving sex with anything that walks..( not even that has a penis.) its scary, because i know i become a different person with her and lose the good me more and more and its going to be ahrd adn im scared and fuck!!1 jsut when i was getting used to things. really though i was. THings with aaron are fine adn sean and me are totally done because hes changed adn he sees e as this weak and stupid female ( really he does) and i cant be around him because he jsut bashes me every chance eh gets and i dont understnad how we went from being insane close to....this. I loathe him. And grrr. my dad comes back tomoro and thigns have been great without him and i feel like my life is like a tornado and it just keeps picking up all this shit!!! im really stressed right now whicih is dumb because i got my application turned in and im studying for my spanish ( sort of ) and i shouldnt be but its like it never ends. Theres always more for me to worry about. i swear at the rate im goiong ill have an ulcer by twenty. If i even mak it that far. sometimes i wonder. I need to go study,,,, but grrrrr

pointles.

Yeah, I'm desperatley have to finish my application today.
How pathetic is it that i waited until a week before the due date to send it in???
Haha, i'm not going to lie.
I'm scared shitless.
I'm so afraid of failure that trying has become almost impossible.
Taking everything one day at a time helps...
but its like.....GOD were things always this complicated? looking back, i feelke thigs used to be simpler...back when i had one friend.....its true, i was pathetic....and then i got opened up into this wworld of drama and things to do... i guess its jsut the price that is paid for this. I don't know. Things will be fine im sure, i jsut hate waiting...But its ok..
todays a good day.
tomorow will be too!
and i also realiezed i need to stop sweating the small stuff. I could die tomorow and how pathetic wol it be that i spent my last day on earth crying about some stupid guy ill forget about in a year? seriously.
omg.
ok.
done now.

last wishes

The letter you'll never read, the words you'll never hear.

To you, the one who has so cruey stolen my heart, with no intention of looking after its needs:

You don't care. And still i try to convince myself you do. Maybe you did, in the beggining. Or that was jsut an act to get me hooked. And of course, my young, naive, and gulible self fell for it. Why? i don't knw. It was out of desperation, stupidity. It was a fantasy i'd always carried, and something i always thought i wanted. In all reality, it seems so stupid of a desire. When I see you, the once or twice every two weeks, things are fine. I'm happy for a few days, I become blinded by our moments together and i can't see reality at all. But the longer we are apart, with no contact, no messages just saying you care, like i put out, reality sets in and i sit here feeling stupid for ever starting anything with you. I wouldn't take it back, if i could. Because i learned from it, am learning. I'm learning all the things i need in a relationship. All teh things i don't need. I wish it weren't like this. But i supose i could wish for things all i want, it won't be changing anything. It seems im trapped. Like sean says, your my drug ( no sean doesn't know about you). I'm hooked,and even though i know nothing good will come from this, i can't give you up. I sometimes wonder how long i would be able to go on like this. When i think about it, i know you'll get sick of it, bored. Or find someone better. If you havn't already. I know you care. You risk too much being with me to not. But you don't care how'd i like. I thik about the end, wen you finally move on. I know each time i give in and continue this it'll just be more pain i cause myself in the end. I know it will be. I know how bad it will hurt. knowing your with someone else. Knowing i really don't matter anymore. It'll hurt, bad. an ill have to be strong and pretedn im ok because no one willl know. I'm not looking forward to it. But i cant seem to leave. I like you. I like us. I hate having to be hidden. i hate that your ashamed. i know you have to be, it will always be that way, but it doesnt change how i feel knowing that. when you said it... i got so mad. you didnt understand. sometimes i feel like im the only one willing to compromise. I looked at your side. It made sense, that you wouldnt tell anyone, because you were emberassed by the age difference. It really did. But you didnt even try to understand how it made me feel. and i cant help but wonder if thats just your anture, or you simply dont care about how i feel. I get so tired of wanting more from you. But its like, i want a hello. i want you to not just read my messages bu reply. i want you to fucking tell me im beutiful. ask m how i am. But do you ever? even once? no. and its hurting me right now. Alot. Because your getting everything you want...and im sitting here wishing i understood this power you seem to have over me. I would give anything to make you happy, and i hate that its not returned. at all. i hate it. I dont want to just give anymore. I want to be held. I want you to want to spend time with me. and itll never happen. Why aaron? why? Am i really not worth it? at all? no even a little bit. Is it really too hard to jsut fucking say hello? I dont want to hurt anymore. I'm getting used to it, and i dont want to. I used to strive for happiness. and now im realizing its useless. I'd change everything for you. Give up all ym dreams for you. and that is so not how i want to feel. So not something i would ever want you to know. what is this? wtf am i doing?

untitled

There's nothing she can do,
she cries out of the blue,
he doesn't need her anymore,
her heart si so damn sore.

His lies just tear her down,
her face a constant frown,
she wants him to drop dead,
she wants him in her bed.

Her heart races at his voice,
she knows this was her choice,
she begs to be set free,
she hates the misery.

Sleep numbs her pain,
she dreams herself insane,
her thoughts are full of him,
she wants to let him in.

He's gone now she forgets,
her heart is caught in nets,
like a fish thats lost at sea,
he stole the only key.

She knows he doesn't care,
but how can this be fair?
She's trapped in his embrace,
she only see's his face.

One day all this will fade,
her price will ahve been paid,
until then still she hides,
the pain swept up in tides.

He huants her like a ghost,
as she heads out for the coast,
he would ahve lvoed the beach,
he's on her like a leech.

He still wants her araound,
even after what he's found,
how cruel can one man be,
why can't she fucking see?

He's using her today,
she wishes he would stay,
she gives in every time,
like she's simply blind.

The signs tell ehr to quit,
her mind just throws a fit.
"He needs me now" she thinks,
but slowly she starts to sink.

He's drowning her in pain,
the tears just fall like rain,
she needs him to decide,
she doesnt want to hide.

Like this is jsut a game,
something she can't tame,
She can't make him be with her,
she falls into his lure.

None of this mkaes sense,
his touch so damn intence,
She needs so uch more then this,
but there's passion in his kiss.

Is it nothing more then that?
sometimes he's like a rat,
eating every bit of hope,
She's so unable to cope.

The things that once held true,
they all just fall right through,
They're washed away at sea,
I keep paying the fee.

She started it all,
now she must take the fall,
where will all teh pieces go,
when she finally learns to say no?

amazing..

how much things change.
Junior year in my science class i had a student teacher....named......well i forgot but he was nifty. He was only in his twenties and i swear we flirted all the time because i would sit in there and read my novels and he would talk about boring science stuff and he'd yell at me for not paying attention then I'd laugh when the tests came and i got A's. It was a love hate relationship. So anyway, on the last day of class he asked me "if you could take a class on anything you wanted, what would it be?" and i had no idea. he then said " i bet it would be How to read my novel 101" and i hated him after that and i have no idea if hes alive or what. But its funny to me how i really had no clue what i wanted to learn about. I liked history, but living in the past is not something i want to pride myself on doing, and science and math are a little over my head. English is fun but i cant spend my life fixing peoples gramme. Now? now, there are a bazillion things I'd love to learn about! Psychology is my absolute favorite. But art is a wonderful world all in its own and i would love to study library science and sociology is amazing and writing stories for a living would be omg. If i could have one thing today, i would find that student teacher and tell him that. Not that he would remember me or even care, but i just want that. I want him to know my life will not end up being a complete and total screw up and i wont spend my life lost in books no matter how tempting it is.

Which brings me to my next topic. I hate that people see nothing more to life then getting wasted and having meaningless sex and doing drugs. OK so this town is Small and there is little to do but seriously...you wont be here forever. There is so much more out there after 18. So much more to experience. No matter what you want out of life there is more to have then just this. So why throw it all away now? I know people think my ideas are stupid. I bitch about things i cant change and i complain about things i don't understand. But its how i think.


Topic three: I dint want to be here forever, but I'm scared to leave at the same time. I want to live in a city, like San Fransisco or maybe New york... There is so much more diversity and uniqueness in cities. Everyone isn't the same. Maybe i want to live right outside one. People complain about there being nothing to do in this town but you know, in all reality theres nothing to do anywhere if all your doing is looking! go out and try something new. Get to know random people, play video games, read a book. Life's not always boring. Maybe in a city there would be more to do ...but oh i don't even know. I just want to live closer to a city. Excitement, fast paced....but maybe i don't want it to be that fast paced... i don't want to watch my life fly past me. I want to live.

Topic # 4: I can't be a psychologist if i cant even fix my own problems. I cant help other people if i cant help myself. I don't understand this whole Aaron situation. I like him, but i know it wont last. I know he wants something bigger and better out of life then i will ever be able to give and that's fine. But if i know this, why can't i let go? Why stay with someone when you know it wont last? I don'twant to find the " love of my life" now. I Dont want to find the person i want to marry now because i want something that will last. But that doesn't mean i dint want the company. Someone to care about me, to love me, or at least want to know me. I want that, and i wont get that from him so why cant i move on? The problem with sleeping with people, is that you become connected. Or at least i do. I don't know how to give that up when its what i ache for whens hes gone. Not the sex necessarily, just the need. The desire to be with me, feeling useful, important like i matter. That's what i ache for. And i have it, even for those few brief moments. Its what i crave. See, Sean always know when i want to be held. He knows when something is wrong, when i just need a hug and to be told everything will be alright. I want someone else to see that. To give me that. and i want to want it from them. I cant change Aaron. He's the type of guy that knows there are zillions of women out there and inevitably, when it comes down to it, there mostly the same. His knowledge of this is what hurts, because i want to be seen as special. As important enough not to want to lose. And in more then just a friend way. I can't change that, and i know that but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that. It hurts knowing one it'll be over. I'm scared i'll hate myself again. I'm scared by the time its over i'll have lsot myself completly. I'm scared as to why he has so much power over me. I'm scared it'll hurt worse. That pain is so unbearable. I feel i've felt it so much over the years. Not jsut in relationships, because it's only happened then twice, but its the same feling i ahve when i lose my friends. I get attached to people. I depend on them. I stopped doing it with my firends. i understand now that we all need our space and our own lives and other people. Now its jsut learning how to get over the relationships. It's all still new to me. I'm not good being one on one with people. i hate it, it scares me... and the fact that im getting confertable with aaron liek taht scares me, because i did that with cory, and nothing good came out of it. I dont even know what happened with cory. I kew it wouldnt end good. i knew id end up hurt, and everyone else knew it to, but he'd had me in a way no one else had and i wanted him to appriciate that. He didnt, which is what i deserved for doing what i did, but it didn't change it from hurting. I felt so not good enough, like i feel almost everytime im around aaron, except when ...well yeah. Thats not how it is supossed to be, and i know this. I know it but i dont know how to accept it and move on to someone better. I dont know how to. Or maybe i dont want to. Its like i have this need to prove to myself i AM good enough. And if nothign else at least its a learning experience. One day i'll b married and have a life and be totally awya form all of this. It wont even matter. The pain wont exist anymore becuase he'll be gone and ill ahve moved on. But i ahte mving on. It causes me to completly redefine myself. I learn from it, and i see the problems and i try to fix them in me. But see, Aaron isnt much different from Cory. He is, but this relationship isn't. I have no doubt if he found someone better i'd be gone in an instance. No doubt at all, and i knew that with Cory too. I'm sick of not feeling good enough. It sucks. I use to believe i was pretty-ish. Believe i was more then a just some crazy fucked up whore who doesnt know anything about how to listen to her own intuition. And the truth is comig out now that im not and its killing me. I rethink every thought i ahve to make sure its worthy of him. I cringe when i look in the fucking mirror anymore and i cant even look people in teh eye because im afraid they will show that they see the hideousness i see. Its enver been this bad. I've always doubted myself, but this is just over my head. To have no belife in yourself. Not even one thought that you are a good person. Interesting intellegent funny beutiful. Not one. If i even begin a thought process liek taht my mind shuts me down, relaity sets in adn its like....bam! im hit with it again. Its not supossed ot be liek this. Tony? he made em feel beutiful because he thought i was. Cory? no. Aaron? no. Not at all. He makes me feel like im not even worth the time of day adn i dont know why. Is it because his friends are gorgeous? is it because he never spends time with me? never says hi jsut for the fuck of it. Never asks how i am? or is it just my imagination that he sees me like im this nothign piece of ass. He's interested sometimes. When he wants some he shows interest. And even then i feel like its cuz i give in every time. not even an inkling of a second thought. I turn even mor pathtic with him. I told him i didnt want to be his fuck buddy anymore. Told him i couldnt take how it was making em feel. he laughed and said if thats all he wanted any girl would do, but he liked me and ricked alot to be with me...mostly brians trust. But i cant help but wonder...am i not jsut any girl? am i i really anyhting more then that? he says its hard, because brians always around...but we use to go out together. spend time together...and now? never. ever. He says he loves when i come over and hang out, and i do too but..is that all im worht? is that all i amount too? i know women have feelings men aparently dont and he doesnt think about things like this or how i feel when he doesnt certain stuff. Its not to hurt me i know, but it still does. I wish i enver felt this way. I wish i could go back to taking things as they came. I got so good at it, for the first three months. i was amzing at only thinkg about what had ahappend an not the futrue. The second i think about teh future everything falls apart. it always does. But i wonder if htas because i let things get ot me i shouldn't, or because im seeing what i try to hide from myself. i honestly dont know. Its so hard to tell the difference between my imagination adn relaity. Sometimes i miagine things to be worse the they really are, other times its the opposite...I like being with him. Like cherly says, he makes me happy. usually. I like being the more amture me around him. I like feeeling smarter, having in depth convrsations with him. I like feeling like im wor something because hes talking to me...but....he's a man, nothing more, nothing less. and i seem to forget that with him. I make him into a quassi-god in my mind...and i need to figure out how to stop that. i need to remember he is nothing more then a man. but teh reality always hits that i am nothing mre then a women.. and i remember any one would do and the cycle starts all over agian.
How in the world did i become this pathetic?

Oh shit

So the cheating thing? Supossedly a lie because Brian was in the next room. The lovely Emily? married. I don't know. He says he still wants me, he's jsut been busy....i cant help but think its a lie. I mean, it probably is, but....what good would it do to say it if it werent true. I told him i didnt want to be used anymore..he said he wasnt. I told him i wanted to see him more, he said i would. I don't want to be drug along, but i would like a chance to start over. I dont know. I just dont know. I'm sure alot of people are dissapointed in me. I tend to cause taht feeling. But im not that stong. i dont want him to be another mistake. I dont know how to let go if he's still holding on. I'm taking things slow, as they come. Nothing serious, just...
i dont know.

New and Improved.

new hair, new outlook, hopefully new outcomes. Thats the goal anyway.
hopefully i can stay strong.
i think i can.
tyler, or i guess i can stop using code names for him, aaron likes blondes, so maybe this will inadvertently lengthen the whole over me thing...
i dont know.
he sucks, i want something better.
i want to be ahppy, and i finally realized i dont need a guy to make me that way.
i am happy!
and all it took was some freaking hairdye.
good lord.
hopefully things will stay good for a while, so i dont go balled from constant changes!
have an amazing day!

God?

i don't know if God exists. Or if the one Christians believe in is real. But i dont want anythign to do with a God that sends people to hell for learning more about this world he put us into. For trying to find out how things work here. For not just blindly accepting what is all around us. If i get sent to hell for wanting to understand things, then its worth it. I'd rather burn in hell for the rest of eternity then go to heaven with a God that dooms people all because they wanted to know more. Or because they don't worship him. I can't make myself blindly believe in something i dont understand. None of it makes no sense. And if i'm punished for that? i don't want to know a God that would punish someone for that.
In a prefect world, a person would go to heaven for living there life ot the best of there ability. For spending there life trying to better themselves, and help others. Not just because they had a relationship with God. If i'm not asking for his help, or any of his "benefits" on earth...is that really a reason to send me to hell? Becasue i don't understand, therefore i'm not behind this faith.....i'm going to be sent to hell?
how is that ok? How is that justice? A God so....forgiving? forgive me for not understanding. Forgive me for wanting to know more about this life im living. To know more about how things work. Forgive me for making mistakes...but also understand that im trying. And that some people are good. Understand that I'm trying to be the best person i can with the ability you gave me. And thats all i can do.

December...

New month, new begginings right? I hope so. As much as i;d love to say i can handle how things are going with tyler, i know i can't. I know it needs to be over. I dont want it to be, i want to live my life like i did before and not care that thats all we are...but i can't. I can't be with anyone else until im sure i can withstand the urge to be with him, but hopefully it will happen soon so i can move on. Wish me luck.