sometimes...

i wish i was as naive as Cheryl. I wish i didn't know things, but yet i wish i knew more. I wish i could love blindly. Be normal and allow myself to care about someone so much, to be so happy about how things are, not how i wish tehy were. Things are good. Great even. But i know they won't last. I know they won't and that knowledge makes it impossible to enjoy the happinesss. I have what i want. I got what i want i am who i want to be im living how i want to live, yet i know something is bound to mess up. I'm too scared of getting attached or hurt to just let myself appreciate the good. I know that things can't stay this way, I know this happiness won't last, and all i can seem to think about is how its going to hurt soon. I can feel the pain coming and i dont want it. I want everything to stay ok for a while, but deep down i knwo tehy wont. Its paralizing.
Its sick, can't walk a day through life without doubt and uncertainty and reality breaking through. Im petrified. See the difference in our outlooks over this whole thing, is that to him, im just anotehr girl. Sure, he likes me, but when its over it wont matter to him cuz there are plenty more out there. And yes, there are plenty more out tehre for me too, but i've never felt this way. Never done this before, To me, he's not jsut another guy. And i know whn its over itll hurt. believe me i know. But i also know ill get over it, because there is so much more to life then this. I just don't like being the only one with something to lose. I don't wanna be vulnerable. i dont wanna be screwed over. I just wanna mean something. So tahts the goal. Make him want you. Its like a game, i dont know how to play. But ill figure it out, starting now.