amazing..

how much things change.
Junior year in my science class i had a student teacher....named......well i forgot but he was nifty. He was only in his twenties and i swear we flirted all the time because i would sit in there and read my novels and he would talk about boring science stuff and he'd yell at me for not paying attention then I'd laugh when the tests came and i got A's. It was a love hate relationship. So anyway, on the last day of class he asked me "if you could take a class on anything you wanted, what would it be?" and i had no idea. he then said " i bet it would be How to read my novel 101" and i hated him after that and i have no idea if hes alive or what. But its funny to me how i really had no clue what i wanted to learn about. I liked history, but living in the past is not something i want to pride myself on doing, and science and math are a little over my head. English is fun but i cant spend my life fixing peoples gramme. Now? now, there are a bazillion things I'd love to learn about! Psychology is my absolute favorite. But art is a wonderful world all in its own and i would love to study library science and sociology is amazing and writing stories for a living would be omg. If i could have one thing today, i would find that student teacher and tell him that. Not that he would remember me or even care, but i just want that. I want him to know my life will not end up being a complete and total screw up and i wont spend my life lost in books no matter how tempting it is.

Which brings me to my next topic. I hate that people see nothing more to life then getting wasted and having meaningless sex and doing drugs. OK so this town is Small and there is little to do but seriously...you wont be here forever. There is so much more out there after 18. So much more to experience. No matter what you want out of life there is more to have then just this. So why throw it all away now? I know people think my ideas are stupid. I bitch about things i cant change and i complain about things i don't understand. But its how i think.


Topic three: I dint want to be here forever, but I'm scared to leave at the same time. I want to live in a city, like San Fransisco or maybe New york... There is so much more diversity and uniqueness in cities. Everyone isn't the same. Maybe i want to live right outside one. People complain about there being nothing to do in this town but you know, in all reality theres nothing to do anywhere if all your doing is looking! go out and try something new. Get to know random people, play video games, read a book. Life's not always boring. Maybe in a city there would be more to do ...but oh i don't even know. I just want to live closer to a city. Excitement, fast paced....but maybe i don't want it to be that fast paced... i don't want to watch my life fly past me. I want to live.

Topic # 4: I can't be a psychologist if i cant even fix my own problems. I cant help other people if i cant help myself. I don't understand this whole Aaron situation. I like him, but i know it wont last. I know he wants something bigger and better out of life then i will ever be able to give and that's fine. But if i know this, why can't i let go? Why stay with someone when you know it wont last? I don'twant to find the " love of my life" now. I Dont want to find the person i want to marry now because i want something that will last. But that doesn't mean i dint want the company. Someone to care about me, to love me, or at least want to know me. I want that, and i wont get that from him so why cant i move on? The problem with sleeping with people, is that you become connected. Or at least i do. I don't know how to give that up when its what i ache for whens hes gone. Not the sex necessarily, just the need. The desire to be with me, feeling useful, important like i matter. That's what i ache for. And i have it, even for those few brief moments. Its what i crave. See, Sean always know when i want to be held. He knows when something is wrong, when i just need a hug and to be told everything will be alright. I want someone else to see that. To give me that. and i want to want it from them. I cant change Aaron. He's the type of guy that knows there are zillions of women out there and inevitably, when it comes down to it, there mostly the same. His knowledge of this is what hurts, because i want to be seen as special. As important enough not to want to lose. And in more then just a friend way. I can't change that, and i know that but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that. It hurts knowing one it'll be over. I'm scared i'll hate myself again. I'm scared by the time its over i'll have lsot myself completly. I'm scared as to why he has so much power over me. I'm scared it'll hurt worse. That pain is so unbearable. I feel i've felt it so much over the years. Not jsut in relationships, because it's only happened then twice, but its the same feling i ahve when i lose my friends. I get attached to people. I depend on them. I stopped doing it with my firends. i understand now that we all need our space and our own lives and other people. Now its jsut learning how to get over the relationships. It's all still new to me. I'm not good being one on one with people. i hate it, it scares me... and the fact that im getting confertable with aaron liek taht scares me, because i did that with cory, and nothing good came out of it. I dont even know what happened with cory. I kew it wouldnt end good. i knew id end up hurt, and everyone else knew it to, but he'd had me in a way no one else had and i wanted him to appriciate that. He didnt, which is what i deserved for doing what i did, but it didn't change it from hurting. I felt so not good enough, like i feel almost everytime im around aaron, except when ...well yeah. Thats not how it is supossed to be, and i know this. I know it but i dont know how to accept it and move on to someone better. I dont know how to. Or maybe i dont want to. Its like i have this need to prove to myself i AM good enough. And if nothign else at least its a learning experience. One day i'll b married and have a life and be totally awya form all of this. It wont even matter. The pain wont exist anymore becuase he'll be gone and ill ahve moved on. But i ahte mving on. It causes me to completly redefine myself. I learn from it, and i see the problems and i try to fix them in me. But see, Aaron isnt much different from Cory. He is, but this relationship isn't. I have no doubt if he found someone better i'd be gone in an instance. No doubt at all, and i knew that with Cory too. I'm sick of not feeling good enough. It sucks. I use to believe i was pretty-ish. Believe i was more then a just some crazy fucked up whore who doesnt know anything about how to listen to her own intuition. And the truth is comig out now that im not and its killing me. I rethink every thought i ahve to make sure its worthy of him. I cringe when i look in the fucking mirror anymore and i cant even look people in teh eye because im afraid they will show that they see the hideousness i see. Its enver been this bad. I've always doubted myself, but this is just over my head. To have no belife in yourself. Not even one thought that you are a good person. Interesting intellegent funny beutiful. Not one. If i even begin a thought process liek taht my mind shuts me down, relaity sets in adn its like....bam! im hit with it again. Its not supossed ot be liek this. Tony? he made em feel beutiful because he thought i was. Cory? no. Aaron? no. Not at all. He makes me feel like im not even worth the time of day adn i dont know why. Is it because his friends are gorgeous? is it because he never spends time with me? never says hi jsut for the fuck of it. Never asks how i am? or is it just my imagination that he sees me like im this nothign piece of ass. He's interested sometimes. When he wants some he shows interest. And even then i feel like its cuz i give in every time. not even an inkling of a second thought. I turn even mor pathtic with him. I told him i didnt want to be his fuck buddy anymore. Told him i couldnt take how it was making em feel. he laughed and said if thats all he wanted any girl would do, but he liked me and ricked alot to be with me...mostly brians trust. But i cant help but wonder...am i not jsut any girl? am i i really anyhting more then that? he says its hard, because brians always around...but we use to go out together. spend time together...and now? never. ever. He says he loves when i come over and hang out, and i do too but..is that all im worht? is that all i amount too? i know women have feelings men aparently dont and he doesnt think about things like this or how i feel when he doesnt certain stuff. Its not to hurt me i know, but it still does. I wish i enver felt this way. I wish i could go back to taking things as they came. I got so good at it, for the first three months. i was amzing at only thinkg about what had ahappend an not the futrue. The second i think about teh future everything falls apart. it always does. But i wonder if htas because i let things get ot me i shouldn't, or because im seeing what i try to hide from myself. i honestly dont know. Its so hard to tell the difference between my imagination adn relaity. Sometimes i miagine things to be worse the they really are, other times its the opposite...I like being with him. Like cherly says, he makes me happy. usually. I like being the more amture me around him. I like feeeling smarter, having in depth convrsations with him. I like feeling like im wor something because hes talking to me...but....he's a man, nothing more, nothing less. and i seem to forget that with him. I make him into a quassi-god in my mind...and i need to figure out how to stop that. i need to remember he is nothing more then a man. but teh reality always hits that i am nothing mre then a women.. and i remember any one would do and the cycle starts all over agian.
How in the world did i become this pathetic?