last wishes

The letter you'll never read, the words you'll never hear.

To you, the one who has so cruey stolen my heart, with no intention of looking after its needs:

You don't care. And still i try to convince myself you do. Maybe you did, in the beggining. Or that was jsut an act to get me hooked. And of course, my young, naive, and gulible self fell for it. Why? i don't knw. It was out of desperation, stupidity. It was a fantasy i'd always carried, and something i always thought i wanted. In all reality, it seems so stupid of a desire. When I see you, the once or twice every two weeks, things are fine. I'm happy for a few days, I become blinded by our moments together and i can't see reality at all. But the longer we are apart, with no contact, no messages just saying you care, like i put out, reality sets in and i sit here feeling stupid for ever starting anything with you. I wouldn't take it back, if i could. Because i learned from it, am learning. I'm learning all the things i need in a relationship. All teh things i don't need. I wish it weren't like this. But i supose i could wish for things all i want, it won't be changing anything. It seems im trapped. Like sean says, your my drug ( no sean doesn't know about you). I'm hooked,and even though i know nothing good will come from this, i can't give you up. I sometimes wonder how long i would be able to go on like this. When i think about it, i know you'll get sick of it, bored. Or find someone better. If you havn't already. I know you care. You risk too much being with me to not. But you don't care how'd i like. I thik about the end, wen you finally move on. I know each time i give in and continue this it'll just be more pain i cause myself in the end. I know it will be. I know how bad it will hurt. knowing your with someone else. Knowing i really don't matter anymore. It'll hurt, bad. an ill have to be strong and pretedn im ok because no one willl know. I'm not looking forward to it. But i cant seem to leave. I like you. I like us. I hate having to be hidden. i hate that your ashamed. i know you have to be, it will always be that way, but it doesnt change how i feel knowing that. when you said it... i got so mad. you didnt understand. sometimes i feel like im the only one willing to compromise. I looked at your side. It made sense, that you wouldnt tell anyone, because you were emberassed by the age difference. It really did. But you didnt even try to understand how it made me feel. and i cant help but wonder if thats just your anture, or you simply dont care about how i feel. I get so tired of wanting more from you. But its like, i want a hello. i want you to not just read my messages bu reply. i want you to fucking tell me im beutiful. ask m how i am. But do you ever? even once? no. and its hurting me right now. Alot. Because your getting everything you want...and im sitting here wishing i understood this power you seem to have over me. I would give anything to make you happy, and i hate that its not returned. at all. i hate it. I dont want to just give anymore. I want to be held. I want you to want to spend time with me. and itll never happen. Why aaron? why? Am i really not worth it? at all? no even a little bit. Is it really too hard to jsut fucking say hello? I dont want to hurt anymore. I'm getting used to it, and i dont want to. I used to strive for happiness. and now im realizing its useless. I'd change everything for you. Give up all ym dreams for you. and that is so not how i want to feel. So not something i would ever want you to know. what is this? wtf am i doing?