ever

feel like something iis driftig away but you dont know how to pull it back. Like its a piece of wood out to see, you can see it from the shore, but you can't find anything to pull it back with. Thats how i feel. A friend is drifitng and its like im letting them get away because i dont know how to fix it. my mind tells me its easier this way, that i dont need to worry bout it cuz its one less heartbreak ill have to endure in the end. but it still makes me sad. i want to stop it, but at the same time, its easier to jsut let it go. Why am i such a horrible person?

i feel..

funny. Not sick, just like something is bothering me. I dont know why, but i feel like something bad is going to happen again. I hope im crazy, im not ready for anything bad to happen. I dont want anything bad to happen ruight now. things ahve been good, and i would ahte for them to be ruined now. Maybe its just nereves. i sure hope so.

Random thought

Maybe its not different people, or slipt personalities that we have when we are around certain people. Maybe its jsut different versions of ourself. Ok, yes that is almost teh same thing, but maybe we're constantly trying to become better versions of ourselves. Maybe its the motives that amtter more then just who we are being. Because yes, i know when im around certain people i act different then i do around others, but its still me. I'm still the same Lori, im just showing a different side of myself. Its nice to be able to act different then usual, At least for me, since i get bored with things very easily.
I don't unerstadn why things are so confusing all teh time. I just wanna understand more.
I lvoe words btw.
They are fantastic adn wonderful.

I hate...

when the family gets together. I hate alcohol because people turn into complete idiots. I hate being forced to talk nicely and show respect to people who are in a completlyidiotic and stupiud state of mind. Its assinine.

Wow.`

this was a good christmas.
I'm already sore, so im sure tomorow will be hell tahks to my new pink exercise ball!
:D
its awesome!
i'm loving today, hope you are too!!!!

sometimes...

i wish i was as naive as Cheryl. I wish i didn't know things, but yet i wish i knew more. I wish i could love blindly. Be normal and allow myself to care about someone so much, to be so happy about how things are, not how i wish tehy were. Things are good. Great even. But i know they won't last. I know they won't and that knowledge makes it impossible to enjoy the happinesss. I have what i want. I got what i want i am who i want to be im living how i want to live, yet i know something is bound to mess up. I'm too scared of getting attached or hurt to just let myself appreciate the good. I know that things can't stay this way, I know this happiness won't last, and all i can seem to think about is how its going to hurt soon. I can feel the pain coming and i dont want it. I want everything to stay ok for a while, but deep down i knwo tehy wont. Its paralizing.
Its sick, can't walk a day through life without doubt and uncertainty and reality breaking through. Im petrified. See the difference in our outlooks over this whole thing, is that to him, im just anotehr girl. Sure, he likes me, but when its over it wont matter to him cuz there are plenty more out there. And yes, there are plenty more out tehre for me too, but i've never felt this way. Never done this before, To me, he's not jsut another guy. And i know whn its over itll hurt. believe me i know. But i also know ill get over it, because there is so much more to life then this. I just don't like being the only one with something to lose. I don't wanna be vulnerable. i dont wanna be screwed over. I just wanna mean something. So tahts the goal. Make him want you. Its like a game, i dont know how to play. But ill figure it out, starting now.

GRRRR

Skyler is bugging me.
So rachelle thiks shes going into a foster care cuz she doesnt want to live at homoe.
hate to break it t her, they dont jsut let you in cuz your sick o your parents.
shes so dramatic.
the both are.
she gets caught sneaking out, and then gets pissed cuz tehy punish her for it.
skyler and ehr are always together
its obsession, no love.
they are constanly all over eachother and get mad when ehr parent worry that she might get pregannt and try to help her.
why are people so stupid?!?!?!

30!!

wow, i've bitched thirty times on here. I feel bad for those of you (aka rabbit) who had to read this shit. So sorry about that. But here it goes again:

I love Brexton and Carter and i would DIE if something ever happened to them and i hope i will always be able to work wiht tehm ebcaue they are amazing and funny adn adorable and perfect in every way. But im not sure i want kids. I mean, maybe someday, but the thought of popping on out of me is scary enough let alone raising one. Can you imagine? they depend on you for so much adn if you are too lenient or too hard, youd ruin them. its so sad, how many unprepared people take on that job. i certainly dont want to be unprepared. and we should come up with a new way to make babies. sex hppens. its lovely (usually) and i think there should be something like eating snails or something so then only people who REALLY want kids would do it and then wed only have mommies who love there babies and the world would be perfect. of course then crazy people might do it but if guys cant have babies i think we'd be safe. i dunno im in an odd mood. my throat is all hurty adn i feel kucky and damn. but oh well life is good.
much lvoe.

wow

that book was good. I cried alot. Lots of people died, lots of thought provoking questions were brought up. now i feel like i should be greatful for every single thing i have. I'm scared of teh future. I hate not knowing what religion i stand for. Its so hard remembering that , because ive so blindly accepted christianity since thats how i was raised, but now its like i dont understand it and it makes no sesne and i want my own religion adn i just want to live my life adn be a good person and have that be enough. i dont want to go to hell for not understanding. Life seems so freaking confusing sometimes. Megan comes home tomrow. I'm glad in som ways, but others i am so not looking forward ot it. I love her, and we get along great and we have great tiems together but were so different. Its complicated, because i love her and shes amazing but none of my friends like her ebcause she loud and tehy jsut dont get her like i do, adn thats ok, but i dont like her friends and i dont enjoy doing what she does like partying with people i dont knwo and ahving sex with anything that walks..( not even that has a penis.) its scary, because i know i become a different person with her and lose the good me more and more and its going to be ahrd adn im scared and fuck!!1 jsut when i was getting used to things. really though i was. THings with aaron are fine adn sean and me are totally done because hes changed adn he sees e as this weak and stupid female ( really he does) and i cant be around him because he jsut bashes me every chance eh gets and i dont understnad how we went from being insane close to....this. I loathe him. And grrr. my dad comes back tomoro and thigns have been great without him and i feel like my life is like a tornado and it just keeps picking up all this shit!!! im really stressed right now whicih is dumb because i got my application turned in and im studying for my spanish ( sort of ) and i shouldnt be but its like it never ends. Theres always more for me to worry about. i swear at the rate im goiong ill have an ulcer by twenty. If i even mak it that far. sometimes i wonder. I need to go study,,,, but grrrrr

pointles.

Yeah, I'm desperatley have to finish my application today.
How pathetic is it that i waited until a week before the due date to send it in???
Haha, i'm not going to lie.
I'm scared shitless.
I'm so afraid of failure that trying has become almost impossible.
Taking everything one day at a time helps...
but its like.....GOD were things always this complicated? looking back, i feelke thigs used to be simpler...back when i had one friend.....its true, i was pathetic....and then i got opened up into this wworld of drama and things to do... i guess its jsut the price that is paid for this. I don't know. Things will be fine im sure, i jsut hate waiting...But its ok..
todays a good day.
tomorow will be too!
and i also realiezed i need to stop sweating the small stuff. I could die tomorow and how pathetic wol it be that i spent my last day on earth crying about some stupid guy ill forget about in a year? seriously.
omg.
ok.
done now.

last wishes

The letter you'll never read, the words you'll never hear.

To you, the one who has so cruey stolen my heart, with no intention of looking after its needs:

You don't care. And still i try to convince myself you do. Maybe you did, in the beggining. Or that was jsut an act to get me hooked. And of course, my young, naive, and gulible self fell for it. Why? i don't knw. It was out of desperation, stupidity. It was a fantasy i'd always carried, and something i always thought i wanted. In all reality, it seems so stupid of a desire. When I see you, the once or twice every two weeks, things are fine. I'm happy for a few days, I become blinded by our moments together and i can't see reality at all. But the longer we are apart, with no contact, no messages just saying you care, like i put out, reality sets in and i sit here feeling stupid for ever starting anything with you. I wouldn't take it back, if i could. Because i learned from it, am learning. I'm learning all the things i need in a relationship. All teh things i don't need. I wish it weren't like this. But i supose i could wish for things all i want, it won't be changing anything. It seems im trapped. Like sean says, your my drug ( no sean doesn't know about you). I'm hooked,and even though i know nothing good will come from this, i can't give you up. I sometimes wonder how long i would be able to go on like this. When i think about it, i know you'll get sick of it, bored. Or find someone better. If you havn't already. I know you care. You risk too much being with me to not. But you don't care how'd i like. I thik about the end, wen you finally move on. I know each time i give in and continue this it'll just be more pain i cause myself in the end. I know it will be. I know how bad it will hurt. knowing your with someone else. Knowing i really don't matter anymore. It'll hurt, bad. an ill have to be strong and pretedn im ok because no one willl know. I'm not looking forward to it. But i cant seem to leave. I like you. I like us. I hate having to be hidden. i hate that your ashamed. i know you have to be, it will always be that way, but it doesnt change how i feel knowing that. when you said it... i got so mad. you didnt understand. sometimes i feel like im the only one willing to compromise. I looked at your side. It made sense, that you wouldnt tell anyone, because you were emberassed by the age difference. It really did. But you didnt even try to understand how it made me feel. and i cant help but wonder if thats just your anture, or you simply dont care about how i feel. I get so tired of wanting more from you. But its like, i want a hello. i want you to not just read my messages bu reply. i want you to fucking tell me im beutiful. ask m how i am. But do you ever? even once? no. and its hurting me right now. Alot. Because your getting everything you want...and im sitting here wishing i understood this power you seem to have over me. I would give anything to make you happy, and i hate that its not returned. at all. i hate it. I dont want to just give anymore. I want to be held. I want you to want to spend time with me. and itll never happen. Why aaron? why? Am i really not worth it? at all? no even a little bit. Is it really too hard to jsut fucking say hello? I dont want to hurt anymore. I'm getting used to it, and i dont want to. I used to strive for happiness. and now im realizing its useless. I'd change everything for you. Give up all ym dreams for you. and that is so not how i want to feel. So not something i would ever want you to know. what is this? wtf am i doing?

untitled

There's nothing she can do,
she cries out of the blue,
he doesn't need her anymore,
her heart si so damn sore.

His lies just tear her down,
her face a constant frown,
she wants him to drop dead,
she wants him in her bed.

Her heart races at his voice,
she knows this was her choice,
she begs to be set free,
she hates the misery.

Sleep numbs her pain,
she dreams herself insane,
her thoughts are full of him,
she wants to let him in.

He's gone now she forgets,
her heart is caught in nets,
like a fish thats lost at sea,
he stole the only key.

She knows he doesn't care,
but how can this be fair?
She's trapped in his embrace,
she only see's his face.

One day all this will fade,
her price will ahve been paid,
until then still she hides,
the pain swept up in tides.

He huants her like a ghost,
as she heads out for the coast,
he would ahve lvoed the beach,
he's on her like a leech.

He still wants her araound,
even after what he's found,
how cruel can one man be,
why can't she fucking see?

He's using her today,
she wishes he would stay,
she gives in every time,
like she's simply blind.

The signs tell ehr to quit,
her mind just throws a fit.
"He needs me now" she thinks,
but slowly she starts to sink.

He's drowning her in pain,
the tears just fall like rain,
she needs him to decide,
she doesnt want to hide.

Like this is jsut a game,
something she can't tame,
She can't make him be with her,
she falls into his lure.

None of this mkaes sense,
his touch so damn intence,
She needs so uch more then this,
but there's passion in his kiss.

Is it nothing more then that?
sometimes he's like a rat,
eating every bit of hope,
She's so unable to cope.

The things that once held true,
they all just fall right through,
They're washed away at sea,
I keep paying the fee.

She started it all,
now she must take the fall,
where will all teh pieces go,
when she finally learns to say no?

amazing..

how much things change.
Junior year in my science class i had a student teacher....named......well i forgot but he was nifty. He was only in his twenties and i swear we flirted all the time because i would sit in there and read my novels and he would talk about boring science stuff and he'd yell at me for not paying attention then I'd laugh when the tests came and i got A's. It was a love hate relationship. So anyway, on the last day of class he asked me "if you could take a class on anything you wanted, what would it be?" and i had no idea. he then said " i bet it would be How to read my novel 101" and i hated him after that and i have no idea if hes alive or what. But its funny to me how i really had no clue what i wanted to learn about. I liked history, but living in the past is not something i want to pride myself on doing, and science and math are a little over my head. English is fun but i cant spend my life fixing peoples gramme. Now? now, there are a bazillion things I'd love to learn about! Psychology is my absolute favorite. But art is a wonderful world all in its own and i would love to study library science and sociology is amazing and writing stories for a living would be omg. If i could have one thing today, i would find that student teacher and tell him that. Not that he would remember me or even care, but i just want that. I want him to know my life will not end up being a complete and total screw up and i wont spend my life lost in books no matter how tempting it is.

Which brings me to my next topic. I hate that people see nothing more to life then getting wasted and having meaningless sex and doing drugs. OK so this town is Small and there is little to do but seriously...you wont be here forever. There is so much more out there after 18. So much more to experience. No matter what you want out of life there is more to have then just this. So why throw it all away now? I know people think my ideas are stupid. I bitch about things i cant change and i complain about things i don't understand. But its how i think.


Topic three: I dint want to be here forever, but I'm scared to leave at the same time. I want to live in a city, like San Fransisco or maybe New york... There is so much more diversity and uniqueness in cities. Everyone isn't the same. Maybe i want to live right outside one. People complain about there being nothing to do in this town but you know, in all reality theres nothing to do anywhere if all your doing is looking! go out and try something new. Get to know random people, play video games, read a book. Life's not always boring. Maybe in a city there would be more to do ...but oh i don't even know. I just want to live closer to a city. Excitement, fast paced....but maybe i don't want it to be that fast paced... i don't want to watch my life fly past me. I want to live.

Topic # 4: I can't be a psychologist if i cant even fix my own problems. I cant help other people if i cant help myself. I don't understand this whole Aaron situation. I like him, but i know it wont last. I know he wants something bigger and better out of life then i will ever be able to give and that's fine. But if i know this, why can't i let go? Why stay with someone when you know it wont last? I don'twant to find the " love of my life" now. I Dont want to find the person i want to marry now because i want something that will last. But that doesn't mean i dint want the company. Someone to care about me, to love me, or at least want to know me. I want that, and i wont get that from him so why cant i move on? The problem with sleeping with people, is that you become connected. Or at least i do. I don't know how to give that up when its what i ache for whens hes gone. Not the sex necessarily, just the need. The desire to be with me, feeling useful, important like i matter. That's what i ache for. And i have it, even for those few brief moments. Its what i crave. See, Sean always know when i want to be held. He knows when something is wrong, when i just need a hug and to be told everything will be alright. I want someone else to see that. To give me that. and i want to want it from them. I cant change Aaron. He's the type of guy that knows there are zillions of women out there and inevitably, when it comes down to it, there mostly the same. His knowledge of this is what hurts, because i want to be seen as special. As important enough not to want to lose. And in more then just a friend way. I can't change that, and i know that but it doesn't mean I'm OK with that. It hurts knowing one it'll be over. I'm scared i'll hate myself again. I'm scared by the time its over i'll have lsot myself completly. I'm scared as to why he has so much power over me. I'm scared it'll hurt worse. That pain is so unbearable. I feel i've felt it so much over the years. Not jsut in relationships, because it's only happened then twice, but its the same feling i ahve when i lose my friends. I get attached to people. I depend on them. I stopped doing it with my firends. i understand now that we all need our space and our own lives and other people. Now its jsut learning how to get over the relationships. It's all still new to me. I'm not good being one on one with people. i hate it, it scares me... and the fact that im getting confertable with aaron liek taht scares me, because i did that with cory, and nothing good came out of it. I dont even know what happened with cory. I kew it wouldnt end good. i knew id end up hurt, and everyone else knew it to, but he'd had me in a way no one else had and i wanted him to appriciate that. He didnt, which is what i deserved for doing what i did, but it didn't change it from hurting. I felt so not good enough, like i feel almost everytime im around aaron, except when ...well yeah. Thats not how it is supossed to be, and i know this. I know it but i dont know how to accept it and move on to someone better. I dont know how to. Or maybe i dont want to. Its like i have this need to prove to myself i AM good enough. And if nothign else at least its a learning experience. One day i'll b married and have a life and be totally awya form all of this. It wont even matter. The pain wont exist anymore becuase he'll be gone and ill ahve moved on. But i ahte mving on. It causes me to completly redefine myself. I learn from it, and i see the problems and i try to fix them in me. But see, Aaron isnt much different from Cory. He is, but this relationship isn't. I have no doubt if he found someone better i'd be gone in an instance. No doubt at all, and i knew that with Cory too. I'm sick of not feeling good enough. It sucks. I use to believe i was pretty-ish. Believe i was more then a just some crazy fucked up whore who doesnt know anything about how to listen to her own intuition. And the truth is comig out now that im not and its killing me. I rethink every thought i ahve to make sure its worthy of him. I cringe when i look in the fucking mirror anymore and i cant even look people in teh eye because im afraid they will show that they see the hideousness i see. Its enver been this bad. I've always doubted myself, but this is just over my head. To have no belife in yourself. Not even one thought that you are a good person. Interesting intellegent funny beutiful. Not one. If i even begin a thought process liek taht my mind shuts me down, relaity sets in adn its like....bam! im hit with it again. Its not supossed ot be liek this. Tony? he made em feel beutiful because he thought i was. Cory? no. Aaron? no. Not at all. He makes me feel like im not even worth the time of day adn i dont know why. Is it because his friends are gorgeous? is it because he never spends time with me? never says hi jsut for the fuck of it. Never asks how i am? or is it just my imagination that he sees me like im this nothign piece of ass. He's interested sometimes. When he wants some he shows interest. And even then i feel like its cuz i give in every time. not even an inkling of a second thought. I turn even mor pathtic with him. I told him i didnt want to be his fuck buddy anymore. Told him i couldnt take how it was making em feel. he laughed and said if thats all he wanted any girl would do, but he liked me and ricked alot to be with me...mostly brians trust. But i cant help but wonder...am i not jsut any girl? am i i really anyhting more then that? he says its hard, because brians always around...but we use to go out together. spend time together...and now? never. ever. He says he loves when i come over and hang out, and i do too but..is that all im worht? is that all i amount too? i know women have feelings men aparently dont and he doesnt think about things like this or how i feel when he doesnt certain stuff. Its not to hurt me i know, but it still does. I wish i enver felt this way. I wish i could go back to taking things as they came. I got so good at it, for the first three months. i was amzing at only thinkg about what had ahappend an not the futrue. The second i think about teh future everything falls apart. it always does. But i wonder if htas because i let things get ot me i shouldn't, or because im seeing what i try to hide from myself. i honestly dont know. Its so hard to tell the difference between my imagination adn relaity. Sometimes i miagine things to be worse the they really are, other times its the opposite...I like being with him. Like cherly says, he makes me happy. usually. I like being the more amture me around him. I like feeeling smarter, having in depth convrsations with him. I like feeling like im wor something because hes talking to me...but....he's a man, nothing more, nothing less. and i seem to forget that with him. I make him into a quassi-god in my mind...and i need to figure out how to stop that. i need to remember he is nothing more then a man. but teh reality always hits that i am nothing mre then a women.. and i remember any one would do and the cycle starts all over agian.
How in the world did i become this pathetic?

Oh shit

So the cheating thing? Supossedly a lie because Brian was in the next room. The lovely Emily? married. I don't know. He says he still wants me, he's jsut been busy....i cant help but think its a lie. I mean, it probably is, but....what good would it do to say it if it werent true. I told him i didnt want to be used anymore..he said he wasnt. I told him i wanted to see him more, he said i would. I don't want to be drug along, but i would like a chance to start over. I dont know. I just dont know. I'm sure alot of people are dissapointed in me. I tend to cause taht feeling. But im not that stong. i dont want him to be another mistake. I dont know how to let go if he's still holding on. I'm taking things slow, as they come. Nothing serious, just...
i dont know.

New and Improved.

new hair, new outlook, hopefully new outcomes. Thats the goal anyway.
hopefully i can stay strong.
i think i can.
tyler, or i guess i can stop using code names for him, aaron likes blondes, so maybe this will inadvertently lengthen the whole over me thing...
i dont know.
he sucks, i want something better.
i want to be ahppy, and i finally realized i dont need a guy to make me that way.
i am happy!
and all it took was some freaking hairdye.
good lord.
hopefully things will stay good for a while, so i dont go balled from constant changes!
have an amazing day!

God?

i don't know if God exists. Or if the one Christians believe in is real. But i dont want anythign to do with a God that sends people to hell for learning more about this world he put us into. For trying to find out how things work here. For not just blindly accepting what is all around us. If i get sent to hell for wanting to understand things, then its worth it. I'd rather burn in hell for the rest of eternity then go to heaven with a God that dooms people all because they wanted to know more. Or because they don't worship him. I can't make myself blindly believe in something i dont understand. None of it makes no sense. And if i'm punished for that? i don't want to know a God that would punish someone for that.
In a prefect world, a person would go to heaven for living there life ot the best of there ability. For spending there life trying to better themselves, and help others. Not just because they had a relationship with God. If i'm not asking for his help, or any of his "benefits" on earth...is that really a reason to send me to hell? Becasue i don't understand, therefore i'm not behind this faith.....i'm going to be sent to hell?
how is that ok? How is that justice? A God so....forgiving? forgive me for not understanding. Forgive me for wanting to know more about this life im living. To know more about how things work. Forgive me for making mistakes...but also understand that im trying. And that some people are good. Understand that I'm trying to be the best person i can with the ability you gave me. And thats all i can do.

December...

New month, new begginings right? I hope so. As much as i;d love to say i can handle how things are going with tyler, i know i can't. I know it needs to be over. I dont want it to be, i want to live my life like i did before and not care that thats all we are...but i can't. I can't be with anyone else until im sure i can withstand the urge to be with him, but hopefully it will happen soon so i can move on. Wish me luck.

why,

is it that i know things were not how they should be.
i know i was unhappy.
i know things can be so much better then that.
and i still ache for him to be around?
all we ever got together to do was...
well you know.
and i didnt even like it.
i just liked being needed.
the way he looked at me...
im more pathetic then i realized.

why,

why

why am i...

so fucking weak?
where does my backbone go when im around him?
its like...it just leaves.
i have no power...
nothing was resolved, im still left feelig like everything about it is wrong, yet...
still i let things happen.
i am such a goddamn idiot!!!!
where the hell does my brain go?
its not supposed to be like this.
i dont let people have this type of power over me..
its always turns outbad.
he's all i think about somedays.
its naseating.
I dont know what this is, but i hate it.

please

Don't snow today.
snow is for happy times,
now?
its not a happy time.
No Snow

finished...

its almost better this way. I hate the endings to things. thats the problem with getting used to people, you have to miss them when their gone. heres to moving on, and hopefully finding happiness and new begginigs

You ever had a secret you couldn't tell anyone? Bits a pieces are given to different people, but if anyone new all of it...things would be entirely messed up for you? You ever feel like crap for hiding it from everyone, people you turst with your life, you simply cant tell? the guilt starts eating you away, and you feel almost relived when you think you've been caught, because at least you wont have ot hide anymore? but you also feel completly sad because it could mean the end to a great thing? This is sucks. just fyi.

it hurts...

no matter how hard i tried to prevent it from happening, my heart still got involved.
its hurts telling him im moving on. Alot. The tears pour down my face, making me feel childish and immature. He means something to me, even if i dont to him. Yet he insists i do...but....i dont know. Why is it that we are together, im blissfully happy, but when hes away, i cannot prevent the doubt from intruding into my already too full mind? GOD!!!! this is so confusin, and heartbreaking. This is so not how i picture the first lasting relationship i had to be. Even thought i guess this isnt a reallya relationship... Why can't i be normal? have a normal boyfriend that actually cares about me, that i have no doubts about his caring...
becasue id get bored.
id deem him to clingy and move on to someone that was more like this...
so why am i complaining?
I'm such a spoiled brat, and this is all my fault.

Wrong

I'm not happy with him. And i'm not really with him. We aren't in a realationship. We're sleeping together. Thats it. There is no love here, no happiness that comes other then from feeling needed for five minutes. There is no future. Simply me, doing something i never thought i would do, in serach of somethin im scared to find. If i found someone better, i'd leave him. Or stop sleeping with him i guess i should say. I deserve better. Or maybe i dont for allowing this to happen, but i feel as if i do. I think i deserve better. I think i deserve someone who would love me, for more then what i give them. Someone who cares about getting to know me, rather then this...whatever it is. I know im not prepeared to just cut him off completly, simply because i dont want to be alone. But im looking for someone better. For someone who will actually care and love me. For someone who wants to spend time with me. I'm done living this lie, living the wrong thing for me. This isnt me. I'm a good kid. I'm caring, not shallow and....i dont even know how to describe how i am being.
How i stop it i do not know, but believe me im trying.
Trust me, im trying.

Undoubtedly doubtable.

:D Minus the little Bug of doubt that keeps trying to find its way into my mind, i am entirely happy right now. Nothing great is really going on, school is annoying as usual, friends are just as drama filled as ever (although gratefully none of it involves me for now), my family life has been pretty quiet lately ( thanks for that!), and Tyler has been pretty much the same as always. I think i do better when i see him more often because all the ambiguity i have about how he feels about me or what he does when I'm not around seems to leave when we are together. And its lasted pretty much all day, only a few moments of panic have made its way into my day and I've done a pretty good job of shoving it away as quick as possible. Its amazing how simple it is for him to make me happy. I can be surrounded by people i like entirely and still I'm unable to keep my happy until i get to spend time with him, even if its just five minutes. There are so many things that are unsteady with this relationship, so many questions i want to ask but wont, for fear of seeming annoying and immature. So many faltering ideas of us, so shaky and uncertain at times, its almost hard to stay happy at all. I wonder why he's with me, when I've seen alot of his exes. Hell, I've known alot of his exes. Being so insecure is definitely kicking my ass with this. I need to buck it up and understand that he's with me because he likes me and it doesn't matter if i look nothing like them. But in all reality i know, and undoubtedly he knows, that there is no way i would find out if he was cheating on me. Trust is something that seems to be something i am having trouble finding with him.. I have no reason to doubt him. No proof that he is one of the worlds many asshole guys, yet still i am so afraid to just let my heart enjoy this and not worry about what he could or could not be doing. Even if he was, i would get over it. It would suck, can't try and convince me otherwise, but i would heal, and the pain would eventually dull entirely.i don't know why I'm so afraid. It all comes down to my own self-doubt. Once again its my fault. I swear one day that will stop happening. I wish i knew how to just put my faith into him and allow myself to enjoy the happiness. But its convincing myself that i am good enough that seems to be the problem. Maybe ill learn. Or mess things up so bad i will be unable to ever fix it. I guess we shall see. I am proud of myself for never thinking about the future with us. I've noticed how, when you think about plans you have with someone and things you want to see happen eventually and all that jazz, things just fall apart that much quicker, but Ive gotten excellent at not thinking about anything involving the future with us. I hold on to the moments that make me Happy, replaying them over and over until new ones are made. I am surprised at how easy it is, it has just become habit. I Love it, because then I'm not expecting anything, so i don't have to worry about being let down. Except that is sort of contradictory given the fact that i am worried about being let down. So maybe I'm not as good as i thought? oh, i don't know. I wish it wasn't this complicated. I adore him. I love how he has these amazing perspectives on things, how he words the things i want to say, just can't. How he knows what he wants so clearly, no doubts about much of anything. How he is driven,because he can see the goodness that is sure to prevail in the end. how he has an amazing mind, full of things i cannot wait to discover. How he is willing to risk so much to be with me. How he knows when I'm upset and need to hear something nice from he. But i also hate some things. I hate how i have to kept hidden, a secret to those around us, only to be indulged in when no one is looking. I hate how he doesn't tell me I'm beautiful or any of the things i just wish he would say. I hate how he doesn't always show he cares, even though he knows its what i want. I hate that he talks to all those stupid bimbos that are so much better then me in every way. I hate how he doesn't try to find out things about me, like i do him. I hate that i don't know if he really would tell people about me if it were legal. I hate how one day he seems so into me, the next slightly irritated that I'm around. And i hate how i feel like he has things he cant tell me, because i want to know it all. I don't know, i guess there are ups an downs to every relationship, but sometimes i cant stand the bad things about this one. The only problem is the second I'm with him, just sitting there talking to him, or listening to him talk, it all goes away. None of things that bothered me before i sat down with him are there, they drift away, leaving only us, and all the things we are. I wonder if i am just making this more complicated. Its entirely too possible given my constant need to make things harder then they actually are. I should really work on that huh?

Amazing

How people can come into your life so unexpectedly, and sosuddenly. They can mean the world to you, and you've only just barley started getting to know each other. They are there for you wen they need you, even though theydont need to be. I'm pretty sure i dont believe in God, but i swear this kid was sent from heaven. He's there when i need them, so interesting to learn about, and he's helping me out of the hole i dug for myself. I dont know how it happened, but i am beyond grateful for him. Thank you Rabbit. Much love.

ok

Freak out over. So what if he is? it happens in life all the time. At least I'm not like married with kids and finding out that he was. I don't know if he has, and until it comes to light that he has, im not going to worry about it. As much as i would hate to find out i allowed myself to be oblivious to it, and abviously unobservant, i would hate more to find out i wasted happy times because i was worried about something that didnt happen.

Doubt...

Creeping its way into the back of mind at every possible moment is the fact that maybe Tyler is cheating on me. Ok, i would never find out even if he was, unless he found somebody better and left me, but i look at his ex girlfriends and even some of his friends now, and i dont compare. Most of them are models, and some of them are Calander girls so of course they ahve these AMAZING bodies that anyone would kill for. And no doubt 90% of them are sluttier then a toliet seat....so it just sucks...i mean, he goes off to denver adn salt lake and goes to clubs and bars and shit...and im sitting here wondering what he is doing.
becuase i want to belive he is honest and faithful to me, but how do i really know?
I HATE THIS!!!
i wish i would know so if he was i could move on adn forget about him and the mistake i am undoubtedly making.
you know?
i like him. Alot. its different with him then with anyone else. But i cant help wondering if im only with him because its always been a fantasy to be wih an older guy. I dont know, maybe not, but....ive never been with a younger guy. Everyone ive ever dated has been at least three years older....i think there is something wrng with me. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when it is i talk myself out of happiness!
OMG!!! kill me please?

Love..

To see people so deep in love, is the worst and best thing in the wworld. Look at Skyler and Rachelle, Sean and Kyra, Alex and Trevor, Brian and Camisha, Zach and Ashley. They represent a love everyone wishes they had, but are not really sure exsists. To see how happy they are together is amazing, thiking that kind of happinesss exisist. However, it seems scary to me. It seems like your giving another person the power to complete shatter you, with just a few short words. Things in life are never constant, never steady. What you want in life now will not be what you want in life years from now. The people you know now wont be in your life then. Its sad, but true. They have this "young love". its beautiful, yet disatrious at the same time. What happens when college comes alone? if there still together, most likely someone will follow someone somewhere. Then what if they break up? you just went somewhere to be iwht the one you love...only to not be with that person and anymore. You'd be left wondering why you chose this place...It seems bad to me. Like your depending on another person so much, that when there gone...your left with nothing. I want a love liek tehres, as sure as anyong else does. But i dont want that now. Graduating will be hard enough. Leaving everyone behind. or ebtter, watching them leave me behind. Its sad already and its months away. to fall in love now would no doubt be a curse. So my thought that everything happens for a reason seems true. I just hope they dont end up crushsed like i think they will. Let me be wrong.

Tyler

Tyler is the simplest yet most complicated part of my life. He is the biggest secret i hold, yet not a secret at all. He is the only source of happiness in my life somedays, and others the only source of pain. H makes me smarter, but crazy. He's confusing yet comprehensionable. He is so many things to me, yet nothing at all. I know it makes no sense. It never will. Its the hardest thing to explain, but something i need to get out. I adore him, but i hate him. He makes me ssmile, and want to cry. He is everything, but nothing at the same time. How can one person be so many things, yet never change? He's the most stabl person i know. Could it be becasue we dont talk social lives to eachother? is it because he's older, so all the drama is simply gone. Do i just know nothing about him? Why is it that its so hard to pin him down? Somedays, i think he's just with me for the sex. ok, i realize i must sound like a total whore, but I'm not. And besides, whore is such a stupid word. People do things that have such comlex motivations, how could anyone just declare somebody that because they spread their legs more then others? it makes no sense. Anyway, back to the " just with me for the sex part". When he's away, thats what it feels like. I mean, we aren't "dating" we are sleeping together. So yeah i guess that should give me a clue, but when we're together? its not like that. The first time, was awful. Not the act, never the act. Just the feeling i was left with after. It was like Cory all over again. I felt used, and hurt. But, he called again. We have a routine. I know what to expect. When we met up during work weeks, it's just quickies, and as long as i rememberd that, it doesn't bother me. When he has his weeks off, and no one is at the apartment, things are different, slower, he cares about me too. We dont only get together to do that though. He calls me when he needs to go to town, and we shop together, just hang out. He is even sweet about it. We dont hold hands, simply for the fact that he's 20, I'm 17. He calls me babe, asks for my oppinion, he's sweet. And even if it is only for the sex, I don't care. I mean, i started this. I thought it would be a one time deal, and he wanted more. The only reason we went from calling it dating, to sleeping together is because of me. It's not him making it only about that. And i don't really believe it is. We can't be official, because its illegal. I can't help but wonder if things would be different if i was 18. I mean, maybe we will still be doing whatever this is by then, you never know. but will it change? or will i get stuck in this half-in half-out relationship, unable to leave, but not always wanting to stay? I like him, no doubt about it. He's sexy, funny, smart, mysterious, and just interesting. He likes me. But its weird. I dont ever think about the future with us. Anytim you start to hope for more, things fall apart. it happens everytime. And i havnt once thought about teh future with us, daydreaming about what could be. i look back on the memories, and smile until new ones are made. Its weird, bcause my heart isnt involved. If i found out he didnt want to see me anymore, it would be ok. It might hurt a little, but this isnt love. I dont want it to be love. Love in highschool is too unsteady, irrational dramatic, and immature. I want real love, when im ready to handle it. and im not now. I want it now, sometimes, but im not reay for it, and i know it. The scary thing is, is that im attached to him. He's my stable, and support. He doesnt know that, or care to know that either, and i dont want him too.I dont want him to know he hs power over me, i dont want anyone to know that. But he is. When everything else falls apart, he's the one thing thats ben teh same for months, and it feels sturdy, like it will last a while. The weeks he's gone, i live my life, put teh peices of the messes i have made back together, and then he gets his time off, and i can fall into place. Its a comfort i cant give up. Sean thinks i have. And he will keep thinking that. The biggest mistake of my life was telling him about teh almost pregnancy. He blew it out of proportion, ruied what was lef tof my trust an inevitably our friendship. Telling people i didnt want to know, telling his g/f things no one was supposed to know but him. he told them. Rumors getspread that way. People talk. Not that i care what people think most of the time, but when everyone thinks im a giant whore because of it...well im not ok with that. He thinks it was right, him telling everyone. He thinks my life was in a "downward spiral". He has no idea. Tyler brings me out of the spiral, lifts me up out of my depression when he;s here, giving me motivation to stay out while he's gone. Sean only see's that bad. That its "perverted" for a twenty year old to want me. seriously, he has no clue. Its nothing like that, and i cant make him see. Not taht i want him too. He needs to know nothing about tyler anmore. he cna go on belveing he's gone from my life, since he didnt know about him forever anyway. But i am not leaving tyler. Your connected when you do stuff with people. Its not my heart, but my mind is fixed on him. It always wants me going back to him. And i dont want otherwise. I LIKE TYLER! He can think its wrong all he wants, but im so happy with him. Its not a normal love and thats what bothers sean. Him and Kyra are attached at the hip, and since me and tyler aren't he not ok with it. But i dont care. I'm making myself happy without him, and i dont need him telling me otehrwise. HMPH>

Someday

i used to believe in someday.
someday, things would be perfect, i would be ok with you, i would love you, like you loved me, we would share our life togehter, no, it wouldnt be perfect, but knwing you were there would make everything ok.
someday, is never going to happy.
all we have is the here and now, and let me tell you, it sucks.
i used to be optimistic.
i used to know deep down, that yeah, things may suck rihgt now, but they will get better, they always do.
somehow, that seems to have changed.
it doesnt get better it gets worse.
and what seems to be the hardest part, is that, i am looking on the birhgt side.
i was being positive, i was SO excited cuz things seemed to be looking up.
and they took it away.
or i guess invertably i did.
yet understanding how i did that seems to be missing.
yes, alex is mad at me.
shes mad at me because she is uncomfortable around me.
like its in my control to change that.
like i can help that.
maybe it is my fault.
maybe i make people uncomfortable.
how, no one seems to know.
but honestly, why is it when one thing falls apart, everything else does too.
why is it that when i find my hope, it gets taken a way in the blink of an eye?
how is that fair?
i cant do right by anyone, and people are so cruel.
i dont understand how anyone can be, let alone this amny people.
everyone, just mean.
whats happening to my life?

leaving

i want to leave.
i cant take it here anymore.
i cant stand the hope i get, because you tell me to, then watch it get shattered in less then three days.
i want happiness.
im being a good person.
im changin the bad, adn its not enough.
you keep hurting me.
over and over.
like its a game.
like my heart is a game.
outside threats are breaking in.
like this hell my life has become doesnt ahve enough for em to worry about.
i want to leave, and mkae it go away.
i would run, but i dont know where to go.
im scared to be on my own, but i cant akte everyone hating em once again.
this always ahppens.
i dont know what i do.
i wish i had enough guts for suicide.
i dont want to be here anymore.
i cant make anyone happy, including myself.
i cant take this.
all i do is cry.
and make mistakes.
i dont know what else i can do but find somewhere to go.
i cant live this way, i cant keep having this ahppen to me.
i dont have anyone anymore, and its so scary.
my biggest fear is being alone, yet thats what keeps happening.
im leaving soon.
where i dont know yet, but im leaving.
i cant be ehre anymore.

understanding....

I don't understand why things happen the way they do.
I dont understand me, who i am, what i believe in.
I dont understand why im so mad at sean, when all he did was go find happiness.
I dont understand how i can be surrounded by people who are crazy in love wiht one another, and yet, i cant make myself care about anyone that way.
i dont understand whats wrong with me.
I dont understand why my faith in God is gone.
i dont understand why i spend a day crying over something that should ahve left me feeling something, and the next day, find i just dont care.
i dont understand where my feelings have gone.
i dont understand why im so hurt, but i cant pinpoint what is hurting me.
i dont understand why i cant keep my best friends.
i dont understand what the hell is wrong with me.
i dont understand why i cant keep ym happiness.
i dont understand why people cant read my mind and give me what i want.
i dont understand why i cant be ok with the fact that everyone has someone they would rather be around.
i dont understand why someone cant just want to be around me, and me feel the same way.
i dont understand why the government can tell me i cant be with someone.
i dont understand why im ok with being hidden.
i dont understand why i know it wouldnt cahnge the wyas things are, and im ok with it.
i dont understand how i ever became this way, started doing these things.
i dont understand why it doesnt bother me.
i dont understand where lori went.
find me, please?

Once Again

Important people of the story:

Sean - only my best friend in the entire world who i managed to completly shatter with my own selfish desires.

James - the new guy, the one i want to let into my life, even though i know that i will no doubt end up getting sick of fighting for his affection and thrust him aside, hurting yet another nice guy.

Cory - seans best friend, boy i lost my virginity too, and the reason behind why i now know how bad of a person i really am.

Cheryl- best girl friend, through her, i met sean, inevitably ended up having sean cheat on her with me, and tried to get them broken up so i could be with him, in the end, shes still with me. why? i will never know.




Once again, the thought that I am not good enough creeps its way into my already too full mind. This feeling has acompannied me for most of my life, yet i still have not grown used to it. It makes me sad, to think that i am allowed to like someone, who is so obviously out of my league. When i informed Sean, he told me that James probably feels the same way. I had to laugh out loud to that one. Me? Out of his league? Seriously, there are times i think that kid should be a comedian. James, in all his perfection, totally adorable, keeps to himself, so out of all the drama that seems to envelope me on a diaily basis. Me? out of His league? Good one Sean. Its so weird to me, how often people change their minds, myself included. We spend the better half of the day together, just hanging out, totally normal, watch a movie, hold hands ( all the steps i skipped entirely with cory), he walks me out to my car, kisses me good night, and a simple kiss, not one that is pushing for more, wanting to take things from me i always think im ready to give, just a simple goodnight kiss. Then the next day? nothing. Quiet, no words, no touching, lunch, fun...but distant. Did i do something wrong i ask? am i annoying you? No, i like you, i just don't show emotion very well. Ok, i can understand this....but the next day, not even a glance, and...even more distant, if thats a possibility, and i notice its only with me. I see him in class, laughing and talking to everyone else. But me... It hurts. I don't even know this kid really, and yet it hurts my heart to think that i can be accepted by the people that want in my pants, they pretend to care, they act like they actually care about me, yet the one that doesnt want that, cant show me at least a little bit that he even cares that I'm alive. Is that what is takes to get someone to love me? do i have to sleep with everyone i want to love me, in order to feel like im not just a pointless walking talking girl the same as everyone else? I never realized that all i want in life is love. I mean, i've known plenty of people that are like that, sleep around because there parents dont love them enough ad they want to know someone cares. But me? my mother does love me. and i know that. Even the stepdad that i despise most days loves me, so why do i feel like something is missing? Mostly, i think its because i feel so guilty for shattering seans heart. For crushing all the hopes and dreams he had for us. Sleeping with his best friend, wasn't even mistake number one. Cory was like mistake number twenty, it just cut the deepest. I try to make myself believe that it's not my fault, that i couldn't help how i felt, and i couldn't change the fact that my body, and mind didn't want to be with sean in that way, and it just fit with cory. But thats not true. Sean knows me, or i guess i should say knew me, better then anyone in this world, and he also loved me more then anyone aside from my mother has. He knew things even i didnt know about myself. i love sean, and i always will, but i cannot force myself to be with someone that i am not attracted too. And that is what it comes down too. I was never attracted to sean, sexually anyway. Except when i knew he was taken and that is an entirely different story. I know that, I did a really bad job of portraying this to him, and it became blantantly obvious at times that he was attracted to me in that way, but i wasn't. I wanted to be, and we tried it for a while, never going anywhere near to all the way, but...something wasn't right. I just didnt tell him. Thats why that night with cory...was such a shock and hurt to sean. He thought we were going to end up together, then i dropped him off for work, and Cory was with me, and...one thing led to another, and tada. virgin Lori is no longer a virgin. Yay. the most painful experience of my life, physically and mentally. I didn't even put up a fight. They say your first times mean the most, because your giving away a part of you, but it wasnt like that. i let him take it, it was almost like i didn't want it anymore. Like that part of me was gone anyway, so i might as well give it to him. Of all people, i dont know how i could have let myself give it to him. and then to go on and date him, knowing he was in love with anotehr girl? believe me, i got what i deserved there. How hurt i got from Cory, doesnt even begin to cover up the guilt i feel for hurting Sean. I wish with all my heart i could take that pain awayw from him. The only thing i can do now is be ok with the fect taht he is in love with another girl , and i am no longer a part of his life. It hurts, knowing i don't matter aynmore, or maybe like skyler said, he is jsut trying to forget me, but losing my best friend seems like it should be a fair trade for totally fucking with his emotions. its not though, ill never forgive myself, and i guarantee the guilt of that will drive me to the brink of insanity. if im not already there. And what about James? i have no idea what he thinks of me, or if it would be better if i just left him alone. That seems so sad, because i want someone to be there, and not just anyone. because there are plenty of people lined up ( no conceitedness inteneded i swear on my life) but they are jsut not right. Most want sex, and im not giving anyone that ever again, because that was seriosuly the msot painful i ever had to go through and omg, never again. James isnt in it for that. Then again, im not really sure he's in it at all. I dont even know why i care. i barely know him. God shoot me now andmake this all go away. please?